Saturday, December 20, 2008

sa wakas

uuwi na ako sa martes. matapos ang dalawang taon dito sa hong kong, ngayon ay magfo-for-good na talaga akesh. 

bagong kabanata, bagong buhay, at sana nga, may bagong ako.

Monday, December 8, 2008

ang kapatid ng magnanakaw

nung una pa lamang ay binalaan na ako tungkol sa kanya, pero ngayon ko lang napagtagpi-tagpi kung paano gumalaw ang ahas.

nakakatuwa pagminsan ang mga taong nagsisinungaling sayo lalo na kung pina uunlakan mo ang kanilang mga kasinungalingan. 

nakikita mo na ang kanilang mukha sa ilalim ng maskara pero sila patuloy pa rin sa kanilang pag-arte na parang hindi mo pa natutukoy ang kwento at kung ano ang kanyang patutunguhan.

alam mo na naman kasi ang kwento dahil ilang ulit mo na rin itong nasaksihan. manghihinayang ka nga lang dahil, sa mga naunang palabas na iyong nasubaybayan, bihasa sa inggles ang mga ahas.

dito hinde.


Tuesday, December 2, 2008

a fitting end

i was on board a bus almost exactly two years ago, looking at ricefields passing me by after landing in hanoi, when i got a call and learned about the job opportunity here in hk.

with mom being sick then, i immediately took the offer even before we arrived at the hotel for that business trip.

so, i find it quite a coincidence that now, two years later, i find myself in the company of those same people on that bus, now that i'm leaving hong kong.  

if everything goes well, i'll be submitting my letter of resignation today.

the road has been long and hard but i find it fitting that i'm with those same bus people now that i'm starting a new journey, hopefully, back home.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

the songer

"i can see that you like singing."

"talaga? how did you know? am i that obvious?"

"wala lang..."

"well, it depends on the size of the mike (naughty grin)."

"nyek. but i wasn't trying to talk dirty to you."


of course, he ended up eating his words...and then some.


Thursday, November 20, 2008


i just realized that i'm ending a cycle that's been running for 14 years...can't believe this is happening....i might actually be finally saying goodbye to a chapter that has run its course, for better or for worse, and life is really changing.

dang, i'm getting teary-eyed and that feeling that something's stuck in my throat...

letting go of the deadwood that have accumulated, set-ups that no longer work...saying goodbye and slowly smothering the man i've come to birth to something new...and yet definitely someone older.


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

on finding mr. right

quotes from lori gottlieb

I think the whole soul mate thing is sort of silly. I was dating this guy once, and we discovered very early on that we ate the same chocolate chip cookies, these really obscure ones, for breakfast. And we had the same weird flat-screen TV that nobody else had. And it was like, “Oh my God, we’re soul mates.” But it wasn’t that we were soul mates. It was that we had really poor nutritional habits and an interest in this strange aesthetic. I think people attribute commonalities to the fact that they’re soul mates. We want the soul mate thing to happen and so we look for ways to say to ourselves that it has.

So you don’t believe in soul mates?

Well, the rational part of me doesn’t. But despite what people may think after reading my piece, I really am a romantic. I still would like to meet a guy that I have this very visceral connection with, and that, to me, is a soul mate. But do I actually think there’s one person who’s my soul mate out there? Absolutely not. I think there are several people that any one of us could be with. Which makes me seem like more of a loser, because if there are dozens of soul mates out there, or potential guys I could be perfectly happy with, and I haven’t even married one of them, what does that say about me? If there’s just one and you haven’t found him, there’s a reason you’re still single. He’s a needle in a haystack.

Our culture has this view that you should just know if someone’s right for you. And that when you just know you’ll have no ambivalence or reservations, and you’ll never wonder if you’re truly in love, even if you fight all the time and you break up 17 times the way Rachel and Ross did in Friends or Carrie and Big did in Sex and the City. And so often you’ll hear in fiction or film or TV, or even at people’s weddings, these accounts of “We knew from the very first date, or after two weeks, that we would end up together.”

I have trouble with that because I’ve felt that certainty with boyfriends when I first met them. I’ve felt that incredible He’s the one or I just know. But then six months or a year or two years later we discovered we weren’t right for each other. It reminds me of the old Chris Rock joke that goes something like: “In the first three months of a relationship, you’re not you, you’re the ambassador of you.” How can you “just know” as soon as you meet someone? You have to peel the onion of who that person is and figure out if you work together.

So is one-stop shopping counterproductive, like Voltaire’s “the best is the enemy of the good”?

No one person is going to have all of the qualities you’re looking for, so if you’re always worried about what’s missing, you’re going to be perpetually lonely and frustrated. It’s human to think, I wonder if there’s something better out there. But it’s also crazy-making, because you can’t stop comparing. Like So-and-so wasn’t as creative as my last boyfriend. Or So-and-so doesn’t excite me the way this person does.

The question becomes: Are you willing to risk what you have in order to hold out for what either may not exist or, equally important, may not be attainable to you, even if it did exist? It’s nice to have high ideals, but the reality is, you may not be attractive to what you consider the best.

Feeling as you do now, what would you have done differently?

I would have considered dating guys I never gave a chance. Platonic guy-friends, or guys I met who asked me out but I turned them down, or guys I went on just one date with because I didn’t feel any chemistry or whatever I thought I was supposed to feel. I was looking for a spark when I should have been looking for a solid life partner.

....Don’t hold out for the thing that’s going to really rock your world—that’s the message. It’s about a lot more than that.

Monday, November 17, 2008


if i had been straight, i'd dig her.....

spanish actress maribel verdu....i love her in y tu mama. she was so......earthy =D

Sunday, November 16, 2008

so true....

"Y Tu Mamá También makes the point that there are frozen moments in time where there doesn't seem to be any limits to a person's happiness - if there is tragedy's shadow lurking somewhere, it remains, for a time, unseen. Maybe the moment is always doomed to pass, maybe nothing lasts forever, but there is much to say....about life's spontaneous gifts - who gives them, and who takes them away."---a film critic.

"and they never see each other again...."

i will always be thankful juan...sometimes the universe does answer back your just have to keep your eyes wide open....even when they're just fleeting...

as the critic said, these are spontaneous gifts...random acts of kindness of the great effing....pleasant surprises that i'll always treasure...and i'll always be thankful...even if we won't get to see each other again...salud! =)


it's funny what several bottles of san mig can do to you. hehehe. oh well, i'm just trying to fix my body clock. for the past two days, i've been sleeping at around half past six in the morning.

not good, especially when the weekdays come. hay. the sweet floating feeling of being inebriated. hehehe. sweet.

i have a 9:30 a.m. meeting tom and it's 1:30 a.m. but what the heck. a few more bottles wouldn't hurt. =D and oh i still haven't found a clinic for a medical check up required for my return to manila.

kainez that medical insurance company back in pinas. almost did not make it because of some nurse who didn't do her job well.

anyweys, enought of those bad vibes. i just want to floaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttt. am listening to jean claude ades' "fly away" and i so wanna do that.

to just let feel what maribel verdu's character in y tu mam tambien felt in her last days in boca del cielo....that life's like the surf.....just feel it and let the water carry you awaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.


Friday, November 14, 2008

just hanging

"why can't we be like kids again?" i texted my faghag in manila one hectic thursday afternoon after realizing that my plans of going back there might not bear fruit as soon as i had expected.

"we all can't...we are adults" was her reply.

but i want to be irresponsible for once. just for a while.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

sa zoooooooooooooo


by yano

Niyaya mo akong mamasyal sa zoo
Ang sabi mo kase kailangan mo ng kasama
Sumama naman ako kase crush kita noon pa
Kunsabagay, gusto ko na ring magka... alam mo na.

Pagkatapos kumain tayo sa labas
Kwinento mo ang iyong nakaraan
Iniwanan ka pala ng yong boypren
Kasi ayaw n'ya ang bago mong buhok.

Mahal ka ba n'ya talaga
Mahal ka ba n'ya talaga?

Inaliw kita, tawa ka nga nang tawa eh
Sinabi mo, wag kitang iwan, ayaw mong mag-isa
O.K. lang sa akin, abutin man ng umaga
Lahat ay gagawin para ka lang mapasaya.

Repeat Chorus 2x

Ako, mahal kita
Mahal na mahal (4x)

Natatandaan mo, ang saya-saya natin ano
Sa zoo. (6x)

met someone who reminded me of this song. college itoh. astig! =D

Saturday, October 18, 2008


Vader: "Luke, I AM your fudra."

Skywalker: "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo..."

Friday, October 17, 2008

post-coital quote

"ganyan ba ang magbarkada, nag-iinuman, nag-aasaran, nag-tsutsupaan?"

i didn't answer. he's married. with a kid he obviously loves.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

simply beautiful

Vide Cor Meum

By Patrick Cassidy

And thinking of her
Sweet sleep overcame me

I am your master
See your heart
And of this burning heart
Your heart
(Chorus: She trembling)
Obediently eats.
Weeping, I saw him then depart from me.

Joy is converted
To bitterest tears

I am in peace
My heart
I am in peace
See my heart

Friday, October 10, 2008


paano kaya kung nagising na lang ako sa iyong tabi

habang binabakas ng aking dila ang mga unang hibla ng paparating na araw

at pilit na hinahagkan ang naglalahong hamog ng nagdaang gabi?

nalalasahan ko pa ang huling tagas ng iyong galak sa gitna ng nag uumapaw na tubig

ang mga natirang patak ng mga namuong latik sa aking bibig



Wednesday, October 8, 2008

last na to

The Blower's Daughter

By Damien Rice

And so it is

Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her skies

I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you...
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...
'Til I find somebody new

Monday, October 6, 2008

la divina

"I would not kill my enemies, but I will make them get down on their knees. I will, I can, I must."---maria callas

Saturday, October 4, 2008

thoughts about the crash

"I chose a career and life very far from anything a fat cat experiences. Let me repeat the first part of that sentence - `I chose.' How can I be resentful to people making a lot of money when I never chose that. That’s not what I wanted to do.

Measuring yourself against others is a prescription for unhappiness. How is you life any better if the fat cats are doing well or doing poorly. Feeling good about their tough times is fool’s gold. There will always be people who earn ridiculous amounts of money. There will always be fat cats. Chose the life that makes you happy regardless of others lives."----TONY

"By great good fortune, I had parents who believed that only two things are really important, education and the character to use it. When a 25 year marriage ended, I worked 85 hours a week doing whatever honest work I could find to take care of myself and my children while their father drove a Lincoln convertible and bought his new wife diamonds.

Why did I not feel like a loser? Because I had been taught that the core of our being should depend on the virtues we strive for, which no one can take away, not material goods which can vanish overnight.

I have long felt sorry for Americans who believe that a car, a house (or houses) designer clothes, etc., etc. make them any different from who they really are.

They should have had my father, who told me when at age ten I learned that people could be jealous, the following: “There will always be girls prettier than you, more talented, smarter and with more money. There will always be girls not as pretty, not as talented, not as smart, with less money. Now do we ever have to have this conversation again?” We never did."--ELIZABETH

"Comparing my insides to someone else’s outsides is a losing proposition; I will always come up short. 

...if I truly am a sensitive and compassionate person, how can I say,`… Many of us who’d proudly decided, in our twenties, to pursue edifying or creative, or `helping' professions woke up to realize, once we had families, that we’d perhaps been irresponsible.'

Is being poor, if I may use that word- an indication of irresponsibility? If I chose to follow a path that was not, from the beginning, a road to wealth, am I somehow “a loser?” It’s our perspective that helps us determine who and of what value we are.

If we can see and accept that, in the eyes of God, all of us are loved and cared for, and that the gain or loss of wealth is in no way indicative of the quality of ourselves, life is a lot easier. As the vernacular expression goes, lighten up."---MARK

"This article is just another example of the shallow, narcisstic values that have corrupted America since Reagan became president. Why should you care what other people think of you? Shouldn’t you focus more on your own inner happiness and doing what makes you truly happy?

Why has the pursuit of wealth become so virtuous in the first place? Why have people been overpaying for houses for the past 20 years? Let’s keep it real folks–this correction in the housing market has been long overdue. I frankly don’t care if people are paying more on their home then it’s worth.

...The key to inner happiness is not wealth, but pursuing a life, and a career, that fulfill your potential. I’m a writer, I am not wealthy, but I am truly happy because I get paid for doing what I love to do.

Of course I wouldn’t mind making more money, but my values are solid. Whatever happened to the old-fashioned American virtue of sacrifice? I rent now, but the money I save allows me to support my son as he pursues his college education and pursuit of a career in the high tech field.

My sacrifice will allow him to get a good job in the near future, and he’ll be able to buy his own home at a reasonable price within the next two years.

In short, we need a correction in our value system as much as we need this current correction in the housing and financial sectors, if not more so."---TANGO

"I am not defending the people in finance that caused this mess (the people that sacrificed lending standards and shoved complex mortgages down people’s throats and then sold them off to other people for a profit), but I do want to defend the salaries of the majority of people on wall street: try working 130 hours a week for the first 15-20 years of your life and then try and make the argument that a banker or trader’s salary and bonus isn’t justified.

i’m 2 years out of college. i make $70k a year and will most likely get a $50k bonus (unless i get goose egged which isn’t out of the question). i work from 9am till 12pm 5 days a week and 5-10 hours on weekends. do the math and see if my per hour wage is any different than yours.

people in finance are not paid unfair amounts. we just work harder, longer, and do more important and complex task, so we are more sought after. if you choose to do a job that anyone can do, don’t btch when you’re paid accordingly."----PAUL

"I have always held the philosophy that happiness is the best revenge. My husband and I have worked in New York City in good-paying jobs in companies where some people had phenomenal paying jobs.

The difference I always felt was that my husband and I were actually enjoying what we did, while the higher paid colleagues around us enjoyed talking about how much they had. We’d always go home and tell each other that as easy as it would be to be jealous of them, it’s just wasn’t healthy.

So we counted our blessings and learned to just be thankful for the good things and precious people in our lives. Now that some of these high flyers are surely going to come crashing to the ground, I feel sorry for them that they really will be at a loss for finding joie de vivre in their lives. Never had it and never cared enough to learn to appreciate the small things. Now, they’ll have nothing. It makes me profoundly sad for them."---BETH

"A lot of the sadness, anger and frustration flying around seem to have a basis in an axiom from anthropology: outsiders often confuse the status-markers for the status. Say you’re dealing street drugs, and you want respect. You notice that doctors and lawyers get respect, and they drive Mercedes automobiles. The tendency is to think that if you acquire the status-marker, the status will come with it. In reality, all you’ll be is a drug dealer with a Mercedes.

The truly wealthy have more money than they can spend, and anyone who’s just acting wealthy is an outsider, in this example. 

New York is a financial center—a financial center. Money-spinning is almost its only industry, on which the service providers (including Mr. Trump, who’s providing groovy living space for the money spinners) depend. There’s a whole big world out there for New Yorkers who don’t want to work in the thrall of the financial sector—all you have to do is leave your high-cost-of-living environment.

It seems to a non-New Yorker that many of you have bought into the status and prestige of plying your lives and interests only in New York. You start your problem-solving with the assumption that you have to stay there, because the status loss for any alternative would be unbearable.

Tom Wolfe wrote about this long ago—that New Yorkers consider everything they do to be “the Big League” of whatever-it-is. If you drive cab in New York, you have bragging rights over any cabbie anywhere, and so on.

Greed is the byword that everyone’s blaming, but the lust for status, and a lack of education and awareness about what status is and how it works (ie, you really went to med school / vet school / law school; you graduated; you earn your living practicing your profession—you’re really a doctor / lawyer, versus you like to hang out with doctors / lawyers, feel you need to drive a similar car, etc.) seems to be a huge hidden variable that’s worsening the already-bad financial decisions of lots of people."---GERONIMO

"Around three years ago I bumped into an old acquaintance from high school, someone I hadn’t spoken to in over 20 years, in line at a fast food restaurant. As we ate lunch together I learned that this former football player who I had though kind of a doofus was now a VP at an investment bank living in a big house in the burbs. I sheepishly explained my situation, one much closer to what the writer describes here. His simple response, delivered with a hangdog face? “Money doesn’t buy happiness.”

That really had an effect on me. I hope he’s doing OK now. But me? I don’t have debt besides an old college loan that will expire in less than a year. I’ve never lived above my means and still have the same stereo and TV I had twelve years ago. I couldn’t care less about jewelry or fancy clothes, I drive a four year old Toyota and I basically don’t feel the urge to spend on anything other than necessities. "---SPUD

"Now that you all have congratulated yourselves for your enlightened lives consider this. Maybe, just maybe, some people chose this profession not for the compensation but for the challenge. I take issue with the concept that you must be in teaching, music, etc to be considered creative. The financial disciplines allow for creativity that knows no bounds. The convergence of probability, data, computing power and imagination makes me giddy as I write this from my (only) home in NJ."— DAVID

"I’m an old lady, and one of the things I’ve learned over the years is that envy is a mistake. My first lesson was envy of a gorgeous young woman I knew. It lasted until I found out she had cancer. No, I wouldn’t trade my good health to be gorgeous. The second was envy of a wealthy young woman I knew. It lasted until I met her abusive boyfriend. No, I wouldn’t trade my good relationship to be wealthy.

After that, I decided I didn’t know enough about anyone to envy their whole life, and envying parts of people’s lives seemed unrealistic. So I just dismissed the whole thing. It’s hard not to envy when things seem so unfair, and the “winners” rub your nose in it. But the coming downturn is likely to be a case of “just desserts” for a lot of people. Their angst will be in proportion to how much they overvalued material success in the first place. In all probability, you don’t want to be them. Not even now, and certainly not over the next few years.

Never use the word “loser” for yourself or anyone else. Or “winner” either. You sound like a great person, who will make it just fine if you tune out hogwash like this."--- ANNE

"A somewhat different take on the same angle is that, in a capitalist society, by and large the sales role becomes the most important in every business organization, and becomes the highest-paid role. It’s not the inventor who got the patent — once it’s been patented, someone’s got to sell it. It’s not the organized business manager — sales are the driving force behind every efficiency measure.

...As for people getting or not getting what they deserve — life has always been unfair. We must remember that a life well lived rarely has a direct correlation to the amount of material resources available to the person who has a truly fulfilling life. There are sad and crazy hedge fundistas, and mature, sensitive, and well-loved bus drivers in this world.

I wouldn’t think too hard about the other people on the train, Ms. Warner. You do a lot more than most of them to share insight and a sense of rightness in the world, and you give something others cannot. Let that be enough."---MITCHELL

"I guess the NYT won’t let me put up my original comment. I am one of those young guys you are all harping about. Economics degree, worked in finance the past 5 years, thinking about an MBA and returning to finance. 

I have always wanted to be wealthy. I want to be able to travel, live well, pay for private school if and when I have children among other things.

I will not apologize for this.
I did not put a gun to anyone’s head and force them to be an artist or to buy a house, furniture or appliances they could not afford. I grew up in the 3rd world and I know what real poverty looks like. I do not glorify it and I want no part of it. Nor do I want anyone limiting my earnings potential. 

All of you commenters see nothing wrong with Models, Celebrities and Athletes making money - yet you have an issue people in finance. So let the schadenfreude reign, it is what it is. The street will come back - it always does."---BABA

"My husband and I have always had to defend our choice to be teachers, and our two children, when in high school, once claimed that they would never be teachers because all we ever talked about was money. Both children now are teachers. All of us may struggle, but we are idealists.

Much to mull over in all these comments: wealth, class, values, self-esteem, but a sustaining imperative might be, `Think big thoughts; relish small pleasures.'”----ANNE

"Another brilliant, insightful column that remided me again about why I read you week after week. You really do cut to the core of the issue here for the part of college-educated America that, as you put it, chose the “helping professions.” We’ve all been watching in horror for years as Tom Wolfe’s “bonfire” raged around us and nobody was noticing.

Living in America’s second banking town (Charlotte, NC), I have spent the last half-decade patiently trying to explain to my teenagers that there is no shame in the fact that we don’t live in a mansion, that driving a minivan as opposed to a Mercedes does nat mean that we are social outcasts, and that people who have closets full of $300/pair jeans are ridiculous — and each time was greated with a look that said that I was simply delusional.

Now the banks are failing and people are desperate, but there is no joy in being right and being like the self-righteous ant as the winter comes for the grasshopper."---JAMES

"Why would anyone leading an ethical life feel like a loser? Since when does a reasonable person measure success by how much money they have, assuming they aren’t living in a cardboard box?

...No, we are not all in this, only the people who did this and the people who absorbed their values for measuring their own lives. The rest of us, ethical, prudent, ants if you will, are just hoping the government doesn’t give away too much of our tax money to fix what is not our problem."---TRUDY

"I’ve come to value highly your thoughtful insights, which also served to inform me of how the world looks to a person a generation younger than I and on the other side of the gender divide. This column might be the best of all your work I’ve read. It made me feel less alone in my 32-years-ago choice to forego the career of a Wall Street lawyer.

I wanted to help real, live people as clients, knowing that they often don’t have the money to pay lawyers, so I left NYC, moved to a small town, and hung out my shingle. I made a living and I have managed to do some good, but I always felt guilty that I could not give my family trips to Europe or BMWs. Foolishly and without much reflection, I thought that I was one of few who had this choice but still felt conflicted about it. Thanks. You made my day"---DERI

"They’ll be back. They always come back."— The Outspoken New Yorker

Thursday, October 2, 2008

manila, manila.....

it's the waiting that's killing me. i'm so damn eager to bust this place and fly back to manila. if i could, right at this moment.

but alas, the stars have conspired against my wish, or to be more specific, my former employer's hr department. my former bosses have already given the go signal for my return and i emailed the hr with my formal application on monday, but until now not even a peep from those peeps.

sheesh. gusto ko nang umuwe!!! i can't stand it here any longer. although i told them i might get back either second week of november or first week of december at the latest, i was hoping that everything would be tidied up by now and all i'll have to do is buy that one-way ticket back to pinas.

hay naku. i'm so bored na. i can't imagine doing four more issues for my current employer. nyeta niya. since monday, ive been doing nothing but surfing online. i was supposed to attend something this morning but i decided to wake up late and instead go to the mall to look for shoes.

i so wanna go back na to manila.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

and it continues....

Tell Me On A Sunday

Don't write a letter when you want to leave

Don't call me at 3 a.m. from a friend's apartment
I'd like to choose how I hear the news
Take me to a park that's covered with trees
Tell me on a Sunday please

Let me down easy
No big song and dance
No long faces, no long looks
No deep conversation
I know the way we should spend that day
Take me to a zoo that's got chimpanzees
Tell me on a Sunday please

Don't want to know who's to blame
It won't help knowing
Don't want to fight day and night
Bad enough you're going

Don't leave in silence with no word at all
Don't get drunk and slam the door
That's no way to end this
I know how I want you to say goodbye
Find a circus ring with a flying trapeze
Tell me on a Sunday please

Don't want to fight day and night
Bad enough you're going
Don't leave in silence with no word at all
Don't get drunk and slam the door
That's no way to end this
I know how I want you to say goodbye

Don't run off in the pouring rain
Don't call me as they call your plane
Take the hurt out of all the pain
Take me to a park that's covered with trees
Tell me on a Sunday please

.....but he did.....

Sunday, September 28, 2008


Let the Pain Remain

By Basil Valdez

Love comes, love goes,

But a sudden feeling never lets me be
Somehow I know 
Quite a part of me isn't changed
Since you've been gone

Like a sturdy tree
That's seen a thousand seasons,
I've to shed my leaves in winter
To grow them back in spring
To welcome life again
To welcome you

So goes my life;
Still believe in dreams of having you around
Too bad mem'ries
Feed the mind and not the heart
Where I want you to be

So I ask myself what you have left behind for me
To go on each day to live
As if I have you once again
What else is there that's real
But all the pain that I feel

So let the pain remain forever in my heart
For ev'ry throb it brings
Is one more moment spent with you
I let the pain
Bring on the rain
If that's the only way
If there's no other way
To be with you again

Too bad mem'ries
Feed the mind and not the heart
Where I want you to be

So I ask myself what you have left behind for me
To go on each day to live
As if I have you once again
What else is there that's real
But all the pain that I feel

So let the pain remain forever in my heart
For ev'ry throb it brings
Is one more moment spent with you
I let the pain
Bring on the rain
If that's the only way
If there's no other way
To be with you again

So let the pain remain forever in my heart
For ev'ry throb it brings 
Is one more moment spent with you
I let the pain
Bring on the rain
If that's the only way
(If that's the only way)
If there's no other way
To be with you again

Friday, September 26, 2008


drat. hours after  my vowing never to be a panakip butas again episode (with matching scarlett o'hara chanelling), ive been told that i'll end up as a big panakip butas when i get back to manila.

yes. rage! rage! rage against the dying of the light!..... well, least they'll pay me. :D

Thursday, September 25, 2008

coming home

"I hope you come to find that which gives life a deep meaning for you. Something worth living for--maybe even worth dying for--something that energizes you, enthuses you, enables you to keep moving ahead. I can't tell you what it might be. That's for you to find, to choose, to love."

wedding bells

despite all the things he's told me, i never really thought that this day would come. yes, finally he's getting married this coming february. and, as he's teased me so many times before, he wants me to be his bestman coz his brother might not make it. 

sigh. so here it is. his big day is really coming. 

i actually didn't know how to react when he came out with this surprise while he was driving on our way to alabang to look for an hsbc atm. it was almost midnight sunday. he had just came from visiting his future wifey in bulacan after they finished doing the tasting at the planned reception place for his wedding. i had just arrived from galera. my flight back to hong kong was 12 hours away. 

"great. buti naman you've set a date na," i said with a smile not really knowing what to feel.

i guess that he was happy with my reaction and so he set out the particulars...silver motif, suits not barongs, and i'm the only one invited from our high school barkada. i learned that he's not in good terms with our guy friends while the missus doesn't want our girl friends to be in the wedding. it's supposed to be a small, private affair.

"pupunta ka ha," he said and i reassured him that yes i'd fly from hk if i have to just to be far so good.

but after we got to the old billiards place where we used to hang out, something in me stirred. a rush of emotions i couldn't immediately put my finger on.

we ended up in the videoke bar and, for the first time in my life, i really felt that liberating feeling of voicing out one's emotions in songs. first was george michael's "kissing a fool" and by the time i was singing rivermaya's "214," my raw emotions were out for everyone to see.

the folks at the other table actually fell silent after "214" but it felt good. i actually felt that i owned the song and the release was fucking visceral.

the place had to close at 2 a.m. and we both felt that we weren't finished yet. and so off we went to 711, bought some vodka ice, and decided to go to my place for some early morning nightcap. 

we talked for the next two hours. it seems that they're looking for a place to move into after their wedding and so i gladly suggested a condo in eastwood and an agent who's good at looking for other affordable places. he said they're thinking about antipolo or marikina. i quickly suggested something nearer south. i realized that i would dread the day of not seeing him again if they move to the eastern or northern part of the metro. 

he also suggested that i should be the emcee at the reception but i strongly said no. actually, my goodside was afraid at what havoc my bitchy self would do if given the chance......  

and then we went down memory lane. he talked about me, and how he explained to the missus why he decided to keep his gay bestfriend despite his knowing that i still had the hots for him.

actually, he said the missus didn't want me to know about their wedding plans immediately. baka raw magplano ako ng stag party for him. (yez, pagnangyari yun, kami lang ni bestfren and a girl and we're going to have a threesome for three fucking days!! yeah!!!).

"baka gusto mong sumali sa shower party nila?" he joked, and i replied that yes and i'll wring your wifey's neck. well, i didn't actually say that. i just motioned with both hands about strangling somebody to death.

he said he decided to keep me because i had always taken the extra mile just to be with him, and that i've always been truthful to him all these years. true.

but i also realized that he was still hoping i'd turn out to be straight. that i got when we talked about a common friend who was openly gay in high school but is now married.

this made me pause. 

was this really the reason why we've remained friends? despite all my adventures and misadventures outside and inside the closet that he was fully aware of? despite all the nasty things my hands did to him? and despite all the "i love yous" i sincerely threw at him time and again? was he really still hoping that i'd turn out to be straight?!!!!! p*tang in*!!!!!!!

i was at the airport hours later waiting for my flight when a close friend texted me "does it hurt?" knowing that he was now really getting married.

another pause coz that brought up a nasty thought.

how should a gay man like me feel when the man i've loved, the man i've found perfect despite all his shortcomings, is finally making good on his promsie to get married, and that he wants me to play a significant part in it? 

isn't that, like, building your own funeral pyre?

i didn't text back my faghag immediately....i had visions of me bawling out in church the moment they say their promises to each other and i wouldn't be able to credibly say that those are tears of joy..."dear, that's not suppsoed to be a funeral" my faghag texted later on.

i know. but in the end, it was the martyr in me that got the upper hand. "yes ate, i'm attending. at gusto ko ang gown ko ang pinakamaganda sa araw na yun. gusto ko yung backless," i eventually texted back.

faux bravado. but we will see.......

Monday, September 22, 2008

something to hit my head with...


Saturday, September 20, 2008


it was the scent of the room that brought you back to me. the moment i entered, so many pictures flooded my head and i had to stop for an instant because uncontrolled emotions roiled inside me wanting to break free. it was you.

as i slowly walked towards the bed, sat uneasily, and reluctantly felt the old, coarse bedsheets, i fervently wished that you were still there. how i wished it was your hands that i was still caressing.

my fingers lingered not knowing where to find you because a big part of me still can't accept finding your room empty. even now. as my eyes darted from one angle of the room to another, my heart was still desperately hoping for a surprise, desperately hoping to see you in your rocking chair, sleeping peacefully.

i've always wondered what you would have thought at the sight of the three men in your life, sitting in front of the altar as the priest continued his monologue in front of your coffin. how each of us carried your dreams, and how each of us in small and big ways disappointed you greatly

i pray and i know that you are in a better place now, shorn of all worries. i know i can no longer fulfill my wish of bringing you to the opera someday. and i will never hear you sing sa kabukiran again in this lifetime. 

but as i sat there on your bed and let the silence of your room engulf me, i knew that you were there.

Monday, September 8, 2008


i hate it when i'm's one of the things i should unlearn...but sometimes u just can't help yourself but....

a pex post on nov. 10, 2006:

u know I can't thank u enough for all the things u've done for me all these years. u made me so happy. that is why it gives me little comfort to admit that things have to change. we both have outgrown each other, I guess. it's time to move on.

i'll always treasure the memries....those first moments out of the closet, malate, how i learned to love mocha frap with hazelnut syrup, puccini's nessun dorma, greenbelt on sundays, bed...priceless. :D

DARN IT. how i wish those times didn't end. :)

Friday, September 5, 2008


i want to go home. the situation in the office has become clearer somewhat and i have a nasty feeling that i won't like my stay there in the coming months. it might not be hell but i think my drive would just ebb away as the months pass by. not good.

if i had known about this a month ago, i would have definitely gone back to manila pronto. cripes. i might have made the wrong decision. 

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

lines from horace

i found these lines back when i was in college while reading old issues of the ny times review of books at the up main lib. they struck me then and they still remain meaningful to me now. horace wrote them in 13 BCE.

tell me my ligurinus

why do these reluctant flowing tears

surprise these dry cheeks

and my fluent tongue stumble

in unbecoming silences

among syllables

in dreams at night i hold you in my arms

or toil behind your flight across the martian field

or chase through yielding waves

the boy who will not yield

a fork in the road

"i guess we'll never make it to rio now."

"it's your fault. you were always the spoiled only son who expected everything handed to you on a silver platter."


"then i guess this is it. this is where the story ends."

"it never even started."


by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

second thoughts

i'm having second thoughts about going back to manila. i don't know. it's just that i'm no longer that excited about going back to my old job. and the dollar is appreciating plus prices in manila are shooting through the roof. my gulay.

i've always wanted to go back since i left manila dec 2006 for hong kong. but since my mom got sick and i had to pay the bills, i bit my lip and stayed here. after mama died last april, i couldn't wait to go back to my old job.

that pay there is, like, three times smaller than what i get now but at least am proud of that job. to be honest, i'm pretty reluctant to answer whenever somebody asks me where i work today. i'm somewaht ashamed of it. i don't know but it doesn't really feel right although it's not even stressfull. far from it. on the other hand, that's another point I want to stress. i don't feel challenged. i'm losing my mojo because it's like i'm just on vacation.

and also, i feel that i really haven't reached that point when i could say that i've mastered the job i had in manila. they say you get that only after 10 years of staying in a job. i left after seven. i feel that there's still an unfinished chapter in that narrative.

but now, after i bought a nikon d80, i'm actually entertaining thoughts about staying put in hong kong. this thought gets stronger whenever i hear stories of how hard life is back in the philippines and how many people are trying to get out of the country to find work.

am i stupid to actually want to go back?

Sunday, July 6, 2008


bakit nga ba ang hirap magsabi ng totoo? ang tagal na rin natin, siguro naman alam mo na why i keep sticking up with you. pero kelangan pang sabihin. alam ko yun.

but then, nasanay na rin siguro ako with all your schemes and bloody mind games. i think nasabi ko na sayo dati na kulang na lang naging tayo. but if i remember correctly (yes, i was drunk again that time. as usual, para i can deny everything the morning after), you told me then "why, do you think i'm dat easy to get?"

sheesh. pareho nga tayong maarte. i was actually hopeful when you said recently na you were tired fornicating. hehehe. sa wakas, i thought. finally you were over that phase and was ready to settle down.

asa pa. i forgot you were mrs. energizer bunny long before i met you. and you have other men. that i realize. pwero masaya naman ako at you showed so much concern when i dipped below the radar recently (heheheh. gotcha there). naiinis na nga si M kung bakit hindi pa raw tau nag-aaminan.

is it because the first one who admits loses? hay, these games we play. but let me tell you i'm so glad to have met you. for sticking up through all my drama and fuck-ups. baka nga dat's what keeps us from admitting. ayaw din nating maging domesticated. why lose all the kicks we get from torturing each other?

and yet to be so near and never really touching. to feel both the rough and tender edges of our souls and yet never really knowing each other for sure. you're one heck of a hellride. but yeah, i love you. and i'll love you still, even though sometimes i forget.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

feel ko lang

by nina simone

The other woman finds time to manicure her nails
The other woman is perfect where her rival fails
And shes never seen with pin curls in her hair

The other woman enchantes her clothes with french perfume
The other woman keeps fresh cut flowers in each room
There are never toys thats scattered everywhere

And when her baby comes to call
Hell find her waiting like a lonesome queen
Cos when shes by his side
Its such a change from old routine

But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep
The other woman will never have his love to keep
And as the years go by the other woman
Will spend her life alone

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

ice castles

isa siya sa mga binabalikbalikan ko sa manila. ang lalaki na kahit ilang ulit ko nang sinabihan ng "i love you," at naging biktima na ng aking mga mahahalay na kamay, ay hindi pa rin lumalayo.

kaibigan daw kasi...cute, kamukha ni bamboo, at stud muffin ang tawag ng aking mga kasama na nakakita na sa kanya. sabi nga lang nila bulag daw ako. bet kasi nilang verde rin ang dugo niya.

ako naman kebs. alam ko kasing straight siya (yez, deep in the kaibuturan ng aking self, feel ko yun). i know. at masaya naman ako (ok, may konting pagseselos) na sa wakas ay ikakakasal na siya.

kasi sa dinami-dami ng kanyang mga naging gelfren (two and even three timer kasi dati si wapo, not counting us. choz!), sa wakas nakahanap na rin siya ng gusto ko.

i mean, yung sa tingin ko ay pepwedeng ipalit sa akin sa harap ng altar (hikbi). hate ko kasi yung mga dating gels niya dahil (no offense ah) sa tingin ko ang papanget nilang lahat (yung tipong pagtinanong sa'yo kung "maganda ba?" ang isasagot mo ay "yeah, she's nice.")

pero itong huli, maloka-loka akesh dahil hawig ni lucy torres ang fota.  super hinhin, maputi, maganda, pero nagdradrag racing. as in join siya sa mga karung humaharurot dati sa white plains.

kaya feeling ko wala na akong mailalaban pa ate charo. tuloy, ako na rin mismo ang nahihiya. at lumalayo. sabi kasi ni bestfren, medyo pinnagseselosan daw akesh. naging medyo madalang na nga kaming lumabas simula nang naging sila (from every week to once or twice every other month na lang) dahil ayaw ng bilat na magkasama kami ng kanyang mapapangasawa (hikbi ulet).

pero honestly, wala na sa akin yun (and i can say that with a straight face, ngayon). natuyo na ang datiy mga rumaragasang ilog na nabuo ng aking mga walang patid na luha (choz!).

what is past is past ika nga. tinuldukan ko na ang chapter na itu ng aking pagdadalaga (tanggap ko na rin na hindi na magkakatotoo yung pangarap dati ni bestfren na titira lang kami sa isang compound, he with his family in one apartment at akesh naman....)

pero, ngayong babalik na ako sa manila....papaano na kaya? sabi ni bestfren, pwede kaming lumabas pagsabado dahil may trabaho si lucita...lalabas kami ng hindi niya alam...ako naman, sige, masaya rin naman kasi akesh pag kasama si....

pero may agam-agam din si ako, lalo na feeling ko yung mga kinakanta ni bestfren ay may mga pahiwatig (tulad ng cover niya ng "somewhere down the road." hindi lang kasi yun). at lagi siyang nagkru-krus kapag kasama akesh (anovah!), lalo na kapag ihahatid na niya ako pauwi sa kanyang karu, (feeling niya siguro baka may mangyare!) jusko.

ayaw ko yatang maging the other woman...i have my principles (anu daw?). i know marami sa mga vekvek ang gusto ay mga daddy-daddy, pero tingin ko kase paghumantong sa ganuong situwayshen, maininlove ulet akesh sa kanya. aasa. at sa huli ay....

....naaalala ko nung high school pa kami....kinakantahan niya ako nun sa telepono nung theme song ng pelikulang ice castles, yung "looking through the eyes of love" (yes bakla, hindi ako nagbibiro).....hanggang sa matunaw ang mga ice castles at dumanak ang aking mga luha......

marami ng nasawi sa mga baha sa pilipinas ate charo, ayoko ng makadagdag pa. sabi niya nuon, gusto daw niya akong maging bestman sa kanyang kasal (o kung pwede pa nga raw bestgay eh). pero sa tingin ko ngayenz hindi na yun mangyayari. at hindi iyon dahil magsusuot ako ng gown na yellow (sign daw ito ng jealousy) sa araw ng kanilang pag-iisang dibdib.

tanggap ko na, hanggang ice castles lang ako....but....but please, don't let this feeling...

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

patila muna tayo ng ulan

sa isang mesa, dalawang magshotang lesbiana na nagbubulungan. sa kabila naman, isang grupo ng mga bading na nahahalakhakan.

"patila muna tayo ng ulan."

"sige, kakanta muna ako."

"sige, kumanta ka."

We had the right love
At the wrong time
Guess I always knew inside
I wouldn't have you for a long time

Those dreams of yours
Are shining on distant shores
And if they're calling you away
I have no right to make you stay

But somewhere down the road
Our roads are gonna cross again
It doesn't really matter when
But somewhere down the road
I know that heart of yours
Will come to see
That you belong with me....

"kailan ka nga uli ikakasal?"

Thursday, June 19, 2008


some people let me down today. people i trusted, which is all the more painful. it's a bit funny coz growing up, i learned early on to rely on myself. that's why it surprises me to discover sometimes that, i guess, i haven't really learned that lesson quite well. still.

i'm not the kind of guy who has much guile and uses people. i'm pretty transparent. but sometimes i wonder if it wouldn't hurt if i let the scheming bitch in me get heard. people don't respect you if you're the happy, smiling guy, who's all too accomodating. this year, i promise this is going to change. nyahahhahaa.  

Tuesday, June 3, 2008


"It's important to remember that you can never regain something you left in the past. Shift your focus to the present and deal with the state of things as they are, instead of clinging to some memory of what you once had.

Memories may be nice...but that's all they are..."

natigilan ako run a........

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

and so it begins....

i couldn't wipe the silly grin off my face.

i was walking home after finishing work at the office this morning, and relishing the first few moments of my 30th birthday, when i couldn't stop grinning. boy, i must be really losing it. hehehehe.

the last time i felt like this was some years back when a friend from UP had some funny-tasting brownies i devoured with gusto. hay, that was a good trip. a very good trip. i was on a jeep from sm north to quiapo when i came to my senses in front of sto. domingo because a man was looking at me strangely. it was then that i realized i had been grinning all the way from sm north! hehehe.

oh well, i guess the pieces are finally falling into place. i sincerely thank God for the past 30 years of my getting lost along the byways of this world. well, not exactly. i really didn't get lost, because of Him. Thank you so much Papa Lordie (si bf ah, wag kalimutan).

There is so much to do and so little time, but meanwhile...the the beach beckons! :D

Sunday, May 18, 2008

for good

i've decided to go back to manila. after my mom died last month, i got to thinking about what to do with my life, and it's pointing me home.

my officemates say i should stay put and go after the opportunities hong kong offers. when i told a senior officemate of my plan to go back to manila, she pointedly asked "so, ayaw mo na sa hong kong?" er, not really.

i like it here. somehow. i like the efficient public transpo system. that it doesn't take a major production to go to the beach. the shopping. that cosmopolitan feel.

however, my friends are in manila. and gimmicks here are so, well, expensive. i've contacted my old employers and happily, they're willing to take me back, even though i said i might return only later in the year, maybe in august. am i making the right choice? er, i don't know.

yes, there's that voice teasing me that i'm just going back to my old "comfort zone." it tells me i'll miss much if i go back; that i will regret later my departure from hk. it asks me "why not take a leap and see where you land? see the world and not be stuck in a backwater (konsensya, ikaw ba yan?)."

much as I would like to take that leap (i do love surprises), the pull of manila is stronger. and who says i can't build my future there? the salary is not that big but i'll be financially secure (i think, based on my calculations), i'll have a career that i can be proud of, and i can still travel abroad (when you get that much-coveted junket).

and it will give me time to think about what i really want to do with my life. (at 30, and you still don't know?! [konsensya, ikaw nga!]) yes, i feel i need to regroup, take stock, and prepare for my next endeavor. i told a friend i might go abroad again, but maybe in 10 years time. he said he won't be here in hk by then.

oh well. maybe manila is where i really belong, and i don't mean that as a consolation. i do have that feeling of so many possibilities beckoning, of being at the cusp of what is to come, of finally being able to do what i want.

and who knows what surprises await after i go back for good? i haven't even started talking about the boys. hehehe.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008


is quite a strong word. but that's what i feel right now. bitter ba? bitter nga. i just erased someone from the past. i hate it that he's not here for me when i'm at my lowest. tears are running down now. can't take it anymore. must stop....