i'm having second thoughts about going back to manila. i don't know. it's just that i'm no longer that excited about going back to my old job. and the dollar is appreciating plus prices in manila are shooting through the roof. my gulay.
i've always wanted to go back since i left manila dec 2006 for hong kong. but since my mom got sick and i had to pay the bills, i bit my lip and stayed here. after mama died last april, i couldn't wait to go back to my old job.
that pay there is, like, three times smaller than what i get now but at least am proud of that job. to be honest, i'm pretty reluctant to answer whenever somebody asks me where i work today. i'm somewaht ashamed of it. i don't know but it doesn't really feel right although it's not even stressfull. far from it. on the other hand, that's another point I want to stress. i don't feel challenged. i'm losing my mojo because it's like i'm just on vacation.
and also, i feel that i really haven't reached that point when i could say that i've mastered the job i had in manila. they say you get that only after 10 years of staying in a job. i left after seven. i feel that there's still an unfinished chapter in that narrative.
but now, after i bought a nikon d80, i'm actually entertaining thoughts about staying put in hong kong. this thought gets stronger whenever i hear stories of how hard life is back in the philippines and how many people are trying to get out of the country to find work.
bakit nga ba ang hirap magsabi ng totoo? ang tagal na rin natin, siguro naman alam mo na why i keep sticking up with you. pero kelangan pang sabihin. alam ko yun.
but then, nasanay na rin siguro ako with all your schemes and bloody mind games. i think nasabi ko na sayo dati na kulang na lang naging tayo. but if i remember correctly (yes, i was drunk again that time. as usual, para i can deny everything the morning after), you told me then "why, do you think i'm dat easy to get?"
sheesh. pareho nga tayong maarte. i was actually hopeful when you said recently na you were tired fornicating. hehehe. sa wakas, i thought. finally you were over that phase and was ready to settle down.
asa pa. i forgot you were mrs. energizer bunny long before i met you. and you have other men. that i realize. pwero masaya naman ako at you showed so much concern when i dipped below the radar recently (heheheh. gotcha there). naiinis na nga si M kung bakit hindi pa raw tau nag-aaminan.
is it because the first one who admits loses? hay, these games we play. but let me tell you i'm so glad to have met you. for sticking up through all my drama and fuck-ups. baka nga dat's what keeps us from admitting. ayaw din nating maging domesticated. why lose all the kicks we get from torturing each other?
and yet to be so near and never really touching. to feel both the rough and tender edges of our souls and yet never really knowing each other for sure. you're one heck of a hellride. but yeah, i love you. and i'll love you still, even though sometimes i forget.
The other woman finds time to manicure her nails The other woman is perfect where her rival fails And shes never seen with pin curls in her hair
The other woman enchantes her clothes with french perfume The other woman keeps fresh cut flowers in each room There are never toys thats scattered everywhere
And when her baby comes to call Hell find her waiting like a lonesome queen Cos when shes by his side Its such a change from old routine
But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep The other woman will never have his love to keep And as the years go by the other woman Will spend her life alone
isa siya sa mga binabalikbalikan ko sa manila. ang lalaki na kahit ilang ulit ko nang sinabihan ng "i love you," at naging biktima na ng aking mga mahahalay na kamay, ay hindi pa rin lumalayo.
kaibigan daw kasi...cute, kamukha ni bamboo, at stud muffin ang tawag ng aking mga kasama na nakakita na sa kanya. sabi nga lang nila bulag daw ako. bet kasi nilang verde rin ang dugo niya.
ako naman kebs. alam ko kasing straight siya (yez, deep in the kaibuturan ng aking self, feel ko yun). i know. at masaya naman ako (ok, may konting pagseselos) na sa wakas ay ikakakasal na siya.
kasi sa dinami-dami ng kanyang mga naging gelfren (two and even three timer kasi dati si wapo, not counting us. choz!), sa wakas nakahanap na rin siya ng gusto ko.
i mean, yung sa tingin ko ay pepwedeng ipalit sa akin sa harap ng altar (hikbi). hate ko kasi yung mga dating gels niya dahil (no offense ah) sa tingin ko ang papanget nilang lahat (yung tipong pagtinanong sa'yo kung "maganda ba?" ang isasagot mo ay "yeah, she's nice.")
pero itong huli, maloka-loka akesh dahil hawig ni lucy torres ang fota. super hinhin, maputi, maganda, pero nagdradrag racing. as in join siya sa mga karung humaharurot dati sa white plains.
kaya feeling ko wala na akong mailalaban pa ate charo. tuloy, ako na rin mismo ang nahihiya. at lumalayo. sabi kasi ni bestfren, medyo pinnagseselosan daw akesh. naging medyo madalang na nga kaming lumabas simula nang naging sila (from every week to once or twice every other month na lang) dahil ayaw ng bilat na magkasama kami ng kanyang mapapangasawa (hikbi ulet).
pero honestly, wala na sa akin yun (and i can say that with a straight face, ngayon). natuyo na ang datiy mga rumaragasang ilog na nabuo ng aking mga walang patid na luha (choz!).
what is past is past ika nga. tinuldukan ko na ang chapter na itu ng aking pagdadalaga (tanggap ko na rin na hindi na magkakatotoo yung pangarap dati ni bestfren na titira lang kami sa isang compound, he with his family in one apartment at akesh naman....)
pero, ngayong babalik na ako sa manila....papaano na kaya? sabi ni bestfren, pwede kaming lumabas pagsabado dahil may trabaho si lucita...lalabas kami ng hindi niya alam...ako naman, sige, masaya rin naman kasi akesh pag kasama si....
pero may agam-agam din si ako, lalo na feeling ko yung mga kinakanta ni bestfren ay may mga pahiwatig (tulad ng cover niya ng "somewhere down the road." hindi lang kasi yun). at lagi siyang nagkru-krus kapag kasama akesh (anovah!), lalo na kapag ihahatid na niya ako pauwi sa kanyang karu, (feeling niya siguro baka may mangyare!) jusko.
ayaw ko yatang maging the other woman...i have my principles (anu daw?). i know marami sa mga vekvek ang gusto ay mga daddy-daddy, pero tingin ko kase paghumantong sa ganuong situwayshen, maininlove ulet akesh sa kanya. aasa. at sa huli ay....
....naaalala ko nung high school pa kami....kinakantahan niya ako nun sa telepono nung theme song ng pelikulang ice castles, yung "looking through the eyes of love" (yes bakla, hindi ako nagbibiro).....hanggang sa matunaw ang mga ice castles at dumanak ang aking mga luha......
marami ng nasawi sa mga baha sa pilipinas ate charo, ayoko ng makadagdag pa. sabi niya nuon, gusto daw niya akong maging bestman sa kanyang kasal (o kung pwede pa nga raw bestgay eh). pero sa tingin ko ngayenz hindi na yun mangyayari. at hindi iyon dahil magsusuot ako ng gown na yellow (sign daw ito ng jealousy) sa araw ng kanilang pag-iisang dibdib.
tanggap ko na, hanggang ice castles lang ako....but....but please, don't let this feeling...
sa isang mesa, dalawang magshotang lesbiana na nagbubulungan. sa kabila naman, isang grupo ng mga bading na nahahalakhakan.
"patila muna tayo ng ulan."
"sige, kakanta muna ako."
"sige, kumanta ka."
We had the right love At the wrong time Guess I always knew inside I wouldn't have you for a long time
Those dreams of yours Are shining on distant shores And if they're calling you away I have no right to make you stay
But somewhere down the road Our roads are gonna cross again It doesn't really matter when But somewhere down the road I know that heart of yours Will come to see That you belong with me....
