and the ether answers

funny. i write down a blog entry to unburden myself of a long-time regret, knowing that he'll never read it, and i get my answer hours later.

the universe, or the Big Man upstairs, does answer back your prayers.

and now we proceed. marami pong salamat! =)

amends

dear ____

i never really got to tell you goodbye. we'd see each other on the street nowadays, give the usual greeting, and then walk on with our lives.

i so wanted to ask more questions about how you're doing right now. if you still kept the mementos we had. if you still remember the fun we shared. maybe i.do.still.care.

but each time we see each other, i get the feeling that i'm talking to someone i've never met before. there's a distance about you that i dare not cross for i fear a torrent i might unleash.

sorry po. for not being there when you needed me the most. i still remember the time you came to the house after your accident. you asked for the TV schedule. i showed you the door.

let me just say that it was the most painful thing and i regret doing it. losing you brought me to a cold and barren wilderness and it took me a very long time to find my way again.

i had planned that if we ever got the chance to talk, a real conversation, i'd tell you about the dream i had on the night after we met. i remembered this only years later. in it, i lost you somehow but i never really remembered the reason.

i woke up crying but those tears were soon forgotten with all the love and care you showed. it was only after we parted that that memory came back. and i finally understood its meaning.

now we're on our own separate lives. this is all water under the bridge. and as you celebrate your 34th today, i genuinely wish you all the best. and i'm sorry it didn't turn out the way we planned it.


i'll always remember,
________

what did ya say?

while doing acrobatics in bed....

moi: oh god! oh god!! oh god!!!

him: could you please stop saying that!

moi: er, i didn't know you were religious?

this reminded me of this girl character in a tv sitcom who said she shouted out saints' names whenever she Oed. hehehe.

requiem

moi: always singapore. :(

faghag: si longhair na naman b yan?

moi: someone else. another one who got away. =(

fagh: ohhhh. hugs dear. =(

fagh: at sinetch itetch? like i said before,when you've taken care of business here, pwede ka nang lumipad there.

moi: naman. para every morning magkasabay kaming tatlo sa train on our way to work. ansaya non.

fagh: gagah

moi: strike two na to ateh. one day madedeclare na talaga ako ng war sa country na yan!

fagh: go ahead

moi: it's not often you feel like telling a country: "inagaw mo ng lahat sa akin!!!"

fagh: tseh!


as i write these lines, there is again that melancholia similar to what i felt years ago when i noticed a pattern that i think keeps on repeating itself in my narrative: that the best parts are always before endings.

the happiest times for me, they always tend to crop up when a chapter is about to close. like, meeting a man of my dreams when the both of us are about to take different paths.

you share your moments together, knowing fully well it's not going to last, and afterwards all you have left is a distant memory of what was there.

sana next time hindi na ganun.

burat...

yes, despite the name and the imagery, they do sell hard, wooden...clogs.

i actually checked. ok, i admit. i was hoping for something else (extra-service? =D) pero wa eh. Lol!

this was on a recent trip to hanoi. am curious about the owner. pinoy kaya itetch? hehehe.

cguro sa hanoi siya nagbukas (totyal!) dahil hindi makakalusot yang name na yan sa barangay dito sa pinas.

i remember someone trying to open a bar named nota republic some years ago. parang sabi dun sa registry: "lawyer ka ba?" ahahahaha. +D

malate nostalgia

storyboard's over
no more midnight sonatas
we walk aimlessly

hauntings

(this was my answer to victor's query bout my last post. it grew too long so i turned it into a new post instead. thanks victor.)


Q:And have you figured out the mystery yet?

A: hehe. i'd rather let sleeping dogs lie. let's just say i've already made my peace with that chapter of my narrative. hehe.

but the question did give me a different interpretation of things...why he's not yet married at 34, why his friends keep on teasing him and his guy bff, why the straight porn cd he lent me was about guys cumming.

why one night, as he was again cleaning his car, he was wearing this faded and very worn out violet shorts. and no underwear.

he was asking me how my day was while his right hand kept on playing with the few strands of stray hair beneath his navel. nay ko po.

yep, the fling's question did momentarily give me a vision of what life would have been like if...but would i dare open up again that chapter which has cost me so much?

ang umasa pa muli? i don't think so.

sorry for this long, emo reply. you probably weren't expecting this. but the fling's question touched a raw nerve.

they say first loves never die. but they do. it's just that sometimes they haunt you from the grave (oops there i go again hehe).

a fling's question

it was one in the morning and i was picking up the bottles from our inuman when he had to ask this question: "are you two close?"

my guest was asking bout an old friend who was then outside their house at that ungodly hour, cleaning his car.

guest: "is he...?"

me: "what?"

guest: "you know..."

me: "nuh-uh...he's straight."

"funny," my guest said as he looked outside for the longest time. "he gave me that look when i arrived...you know how that goes...."

i couldn't say a thing for a few seconds. he sounded serious about it. it wasn't some joke coming from someone who had too much alcohol.

"oh well..." he said as he turned to face me again while his right hand wandered to his crotch, pulled down his fly, and....

later that morning after my guest had gone, and my mind became clearer as the last traces of alcohol were flushed away, his words began to sink in.

and then they kept on ringing in my ear: "he gave me that look when i arrived...you know how that goes...."

i could feel my chest tightening. tears suddenly started welling up my eyes. i wanted to throw up.

chelsea hotel no. 2

by leonard cohen

I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel
you were famous, your heart was a legend.
You told me again you preferred handsome men
but for me you would make an exception.

And clenching your fist for the ones like us
who are oppressed by the figures of beauty,
you fixed yourself, you said, "Well never mind,
we are ugly but we have the music."

diggings

oh how many times must i bury you

the flowers they wilt

they die on the ground

the altars are bare

no god can be found

pisil

i went back to the office after going to the gym tuesday night to pick up some things i forgot. just as i entered our department, i ran into one of our big bosses.

"uy naggygym ka pa ba? he asked.

"ay yes sir. kagagaling ko nga lang," i replied.

sabay pisil niya sa biceps ko.

"an tigas ah," he said while holding a cup of coffee.

nacurious tuloy ako. bat naman tong bosyo kong to nagka interes sa gym?

"alam mo si (name of his son) nagygym na rin. lagi. ganyan na nga rin yung muscles niya," he said.

kaya pala.

under different circumstances, i would have taken this as an ordinary comment from a proud father--he's in his late 50s and with three kids, the son who is the panganay, and two daughters na kasunod.

but then i realized that there was a deeper meaning to what he was saying. as I tried to remember what his unico hijo looked like, i suddenly remembered that his son was gay.

utterly gay. as in walang duda. kung meron man parang pinagdududahan mo na rin kung sumisikat ba ang araw sa silangan.

i met the guy only twice at sa unang tingin pa lang, i already knew. pero cultured ang kanyang dating. not too loud. at successful na rin sa kanyang career.

kaya nga parang accepted na rin ni fadir. i could even say na this boss of mine who reeks of machismo---and is a gold card-carrying member of the old boys network in our field--is proud of his son.

habang nagkatinginan kami, hindi ko tuloy alam kung ano ang aking sasabihin. di namna pwedeng "uy tlaga. siguro umaalembong na si (name of his son) anoh? siguro mataas na ang kanyang market value?" my bad.

i bit my tongue. tried to smile. and quickly walked down the hallway.

memo to self: never again wear muscle shirts in the office.

a dining experience

my left hand was playing with a glass of red wine during a recent company dinner meeting when our boss--the matriarch of the firm---suddenly blurted out: "baklang-bakla pala si (a prominent married politician)."

that almost spilled my wine.

sure, the politician has long been rumored to be gay, but i wasn't expecting madame to wade into gossip territory, and of the gay kind, during our break.

worse, she said it while looking straight into my eyes--making eye contact for about two seconds--before disengaging and looking at the others.

"oh, it's not that i have anything against gays," she said, calming me a bit because i wasn't comfortable with the discussion.

and i guess she also had to make the disclaimer because, of the five men in the room, three--inlcuding moi---are closet cases (at least to us three. nyahahahaha).

"it's just that," she continued. "sila na pala ngayon ni (a very famous actor)."

HUWATTTTTT.

"oh...there's an item," i said, trying to sound not too excited to hear this latest tidbit.

i was trying to imagine what the two looked like in bed but the picture was not to my liking.

"eh paano na sila ni (actor and another actor who shall not be named)?" asked a female officemate.

madame answered: "eh sila na ang mag-on ni (actor and politician)."

i remember the (gay?) laughter around the room--there were more than a dozen of us present--and i shared in it. the boss does not usually share these tidbits with us but when she does, one can expect that they're A-1.

but then after the meeting, my thoughts turned serious about that small incident (it had turned out to be a very long night).

i was wondering what it's like for these two celebs--and they are celebs--to live in their closets? if we ordinary gay mortals find it so hard inside, what more these paparazzi magnets?

and manila is such a small place. the next thing you know, your sex life is dinner meeting fodder or the topic of water-cooler conversations.

i remember one client asking me once, out of the blue, about one of the two other closet cases present in that dinner meeting: "kailan ba siya maglaladlad? sabihin mo sa kanya ang tanda na niya hindi pa rin siya naglaladlad."

they eventually know.

dusk

i found myself walking along baywalk the other day just before sundown. i was there to catch the sunset but i got disappointed because there were no clouds.

clouds give out a more dramatic effect to sunsets. instead of just having a glowing red orb slowly disappearing into the sea, clouds can add drama by hiding the sun and slowly letting its rays come out. that i like.

but this time there were no clouds so i decided to pack up and leave for a scheduled dinner with friends. but after i put the cam inside my bag, i noticed the byutipul hues above me.

the sun had set but yep, the sky was still alight with calming colors. t'was dream time. those few precious minutes before the dark finally sets in and shrouds the last rays of the sun.

before i would usually take off immediately after sunset but this time i felt that something was in the air.. so i took out my cam and took some shots. here's one.

i don't know but there was something magical about those few minutes. it was like the air was pregnant with the so many possibilities that the night has to offer. and yet, there was also that relaxing feeling that a day had ended.

i lingered on and before i knew it I was already late for dinner. but my friends understood. the pics were worth it. =)

melts in your mouth, not in your...

tumawag ang tita ko mula sa tate nuong sabado upang kamustahin ang pinadala niyang balikbayan box na pangkrismas sana pero nung huwebes lang dumating.

habang nagkwekwento ito ang aking nasabi:

"ay maraming salamat auntie. yup. nakuha na namin. me spam, peanut butter, planters peanuts. yung bag ng chocolates? ay wala pero ok lang kasi maraming butterfingers. ang sarap nga ng cadburys, m2m.... at...at...at....."

bigla akong natigilan nang marealize ko ang lumabas sa aking bibig.

"ay auntie dapat makabisita ka ulit dito kasi namumunga na yung indian manggo sa labas. ang sarap paghinalo sa...blah...blah...blahh."

hindi rin nakasagot si auntie kagaad kaya ako na lang ang nagkwento ng nagkwento habang hoping na sana wala sa vocabulary ng mga fil-ams ang m2m.

i'll be turning 32 this year but i haven't come out to my relatives. pero smart naman sila kaya am sure they know, particularly my auntie, na ilang beses na akong nirereto sa iba't-ibang babae to no avail.

pero hindi ko lang talaga binalak na sa ganitong paraan ako maglaladlad sa kanya. hehe.