despite all the things he's told me, i never really thought that this day would come. yes, finally he's getting married this coming february. and, as he's teased me so many times before, he wants me to be his bestman coz his brother might not make it.
sigh. so here it is. his big day is really coming.
i actually didn't know how to react when he came out with this surprise while he was driving on our way to alabang to look for an hsbc atm. it was almost midnight sunday. he had just came from visiting his future wifey in bulacan after they finished doing the tasting at the planned reception place for his wedding. i had just arrived from galera. my flight back to hong kong was 12 hours away.
"great. buti naman you've set a date na," i said with a smile not really knowing what to feel.
i guess that he was happy with my reaction and so he set out the particulars...silver motif, suits not barongs, and i'm the only one invited from our high school barkada. i learned that he's not in good terms with our guy friends while the missus doesn't want our girl friends to be in the wedding. it's supposed to be a small, private affair.
"pupunta ka ha," he said and i reassured him that yes i'd fly from hk if i have to just to be there....so far so good.
but after we got to the old billiards place where we used to hang out, something in me stirred. a rush of emotions i couldn't immediately put my finger on.
we ended up in the videoke bar and, for the first time in my life, i really felt that liberating feeling of voicing out one's emotions in songs. first was george michael's "kissing a fool" and by the time i was singing rivermaya's "214," my raw emotions were out for everyone to see.
the folks at the other table actually fell silent after "214" but it felt good. i actually felt that i owned the song and the release was fucking visceral.
the place had to close at 2 a.m. and we both felt that we weren't finished yet. and so off we went to 711, bought some vodka ice, and decided to go to my place for some early morning nightcap.
we talked for the next two hours. it seems that they're looking for a place to move into after their wedding and so i gladly suggested a condo in eastwood and an agent who's good at looking for other affordable places. he said they're thinking about antipolo or marikina. i quickly suggested something nearer south. i realized that i would dread the day of not seeing him again if they move to the eastern or northern part of the metro.
he also suggested that i should be the emcee at the reception but i strongly said no. actually, my goodside was afraid at what havoc my bitchy self would do if given the chance......
and then we went down memory lane. he talked about me, and how he explained to the missus why he decided to keep his gay bestfriend despite his knowing that i still had the hots for him.
actually, he said the missus didn't want me to know about their wedding plans immediately. baka raw magplano ako ng stag party for him. (yez, pagnangyari yun, kami lang ni bestfren and a girl and we're going to have a threesome for three fucking days!! yeah!!!).
"baka gusto mong sumali sa shower party nila?" he joked, and i replied that yes and i'll wring your wifey's neck. well, i didn't actually say that. i just motioned with both hands about strangling somebody to death.
he said he decided to keep me because i had always taken the extra mile just to be with him, and that i've always been truthful to him all these years. true.
but i also realized that he was still hoping i'd turn out to be straight. that i got when we talked about a common friend who was openly gay in high school but is now married.
this made me pause.
was this really the reason why we've remained friends? despite all my adventures and misadventures outside and inside the closet that he was fully aware of? despite all the nasty things my hands did to him? and despite all the "i love yous" i sincerely threw at him time and again? was he really still hoping that i'd turn out to be straight?!!!!! p*tang in*!!!!!!!
i was at the airport hours later waiting for my flight when a close friend texted me "does it hurt?" knowing that he was now really getting married.
another pause coz that brought up a nasty thought.
how should a gay man like me feel when the man i've loved, the man i've found perfect despite all his shortcomings, is finally making good on his promsie to get married, and that he wants me to play a significant part in it?
isn't that, like, building your own funeral pyre?
i didn't text back my faghag immediately....i had visions of me bawling out in church the moment they say their promises to each other and i wouldn't be able to credibly say that those are tears of joy..."dear, that's not suppsoed to be a funeral" my faghag texted later on.
i know. but in the end, it was the martyr in me that got the upper hand. "yes ate, i'm attending. at gusto ko ang gown ko ang pinakamaganda sa araw na yun. gusto ko yung backless," i eventually texted back.
faux bravado. but we will see.......
what i talk about when i talk about murakami
1 week ago