amends

dear ____

i never really got to tell you goodbye. we'd see each other on the street nowadays, give the usual greeting, and then walk on with our lives.

i so wanted to ask more questions about how you're doing right now. if you still kept the mementos we had. if you still remember the fun we shared. maybe i.do.still.care.

but each time we see each other, i get the feeling that i'm talking to someone i've never met before. there's a distance about you that i dare not cross for i fear a torrent i might unleash.

sorry po. for not being there when you needed me the most. i still remember the time you came to the house after your accident. you asked for the TV schedule. i showed you the door.

let me just say that it was the most painful thing and i regret doing it. losing you brought me to a cold and barren wilderness and it took me a very long time to find my way again.

i had planned that if we ever got the chance to talk, a real conversation, i'd tell you about the dream i had on the night after we met. i remembered this only years later. in it, i lost you somehow but i never really remembered the reason.

i woke up crying but those tears were soon forgotten with all the love and care you showed. it was only after we parted that that memory came back. and i finally understood its meaning.

now we're on our own separate lives. this is all water under the bridge. and as you celebrate your 34th today, i genuinely wish you all the best. and i'm sorry it didn't turn out the way we planned it.


i'll always remember,
________

what did ya say?

while doing acrobatics in bed....

moi: oh god! oh god!! oh god!!!

him: could you please stop saying that!

moi: er, i didn't know you were religious?

this reminded me of this girl character in a tv sitcom who said she shouted out saints' names whenever she Oed. hehehe.

requiem

moi: always singapore. :(

faghag: si longhair na naman b yan?

moi: someone else. another one who got away. =(

fagh: ohhhh. hugs dear. =(

fagh: at sinetch itetch? like i said before,when you've taken care of business here, pwede ka nang lumipad there.

moi: naman. para every morning magkasabay kaming tatlo sa train on our way to work. ansaya non.

fagh: gagah

moi: strike two na to ateh. one day madedeclare na talaga ako ng war sa country na yan!

fagh: go ahead

moi: it's not often you feel like telling a country: "inagaw mo ng lahat sa akin!!!"

fagh: tseh!


as i write these lines, there is again that melancholia similar to what i felt years ago when i noticed a pattern that i think keeps on repeating itself in my narrative: that the best parts are always before endings.

the happiest times for me, they always tend to crop up when a chapter is about to close. like, meeting a man of my dreams when the both of us are about to take different paths.

you share your moments together, knowing fully well it's not going to last, and afterwards all you have left is a distant memory of what was there.

sana next time hindi na ganun.

burat...

yes, despite the name and the imagery, they do sell hard, wooden...clogs.

i actually checked. ok, i admit. i was hoping for something else (extra-service? =D) pero wa eh. Lol!

this was on a recent trip to hanoi. am curious about the owner. pinoy kaya itetch? hehehe.

cguro sa hanoi siya nagbukas (totyal!) dahil hindi makakalusot yang name na yan sa barangay dito sa pinas.

i remember someone trying to open a bar named nota republic some years ago. parang sabi dun sa registry: "lawyer ka ba?" ahahahaha. +D

malate nostalgia

storyboard's over
no more midnight sonatas
we walk aimlessly

hauntings

(this was my answer to victor's query bout my last post. it grew too long so i turned it into a new post instead. thanks victor.)


Q:And have you figured out the mystery yet?

A: hehe. i'd rather let sleeping dogs lie. let's just say i've already made my peace with that chapter of my narrative. hehe.

but the question did give me a different interpretation of things...why he's not yet married at 34, why his friends keep on teasing him and his guy bff, why the straight porn cd he lent me was about guys cumming.

why one night, as he was again cleaning his car, he was wearing this faded and very worn out violet shorts. and no underwear.

he was asking me how my day was while his right hand kept on playing with the few strands of stray hair beneath his navel. nay ko po.

yep, the fling's question did momentarily give me a vision of what life would have been like if...but would i dare open up again that chapter which has cost me so much?

ang umasa pa muli? i don't think so.

sorry for this long, emo reply. you probably weren't expecting this. but the fling's question touched a raw nerve.

they say first loves never die. but they do. it's just that sometimes they haunt you from the grave (oops there i go again hehe).

a fling's question

it was one in the morning and i was picking up the bottles from our inuman when he had to ask this question: "are you two close?"

my guest was asking bout an old friend who was then outside their house at that ungodly hour, cleaning his car.

guest: "is he...?"

me: "what?"

guest: "you know..."

me: "nuh-uh...he's straight."

"funny," my guest said as he looked outside for the longest time. "he gave me that look when i arrived...you know how that goes...."

i couldn't say a thing for a few seconds. he sounded serious about it. it wasn't some joke coming from someone who had too much alcohol.

"oh well..." he said as he turned to face me again while his right hand wandered to his crotch, pulled down his fly, and....

later that morning after my guest had gone, and my mind became clearer as the last traces of alcohol were flushed away, his words began to sink in.

and then they kept on ringing in my ear: "he gave me that look when i arrived...you know how that goes...."

i could feel my chest tightening. tears suddenly started welling up my eyes. i wanted to throw up.