Sunday, October 10, 2010

amends

dear ____

i never really got to tell you goodbye. we'd see each other on the street nowadays, give the usual greeting, and then walk on with our lives.

i so wanted to ask more questions about how you're doing right now. if you still kept the mementos we had. if you still remember the fun we shared. maybe i.do.still.care.

but each time we see each other, i get the feeling that i'm talking to someone i've never met before. there's a distance about you that i dare not cross for i fear a torrent i might unleash.

sorry po. for not being there when you needed me the most. i still remember the time you came to the house after your accident. you asked for the TV schedule. i showed you the door.

let me just say that it was the most painful thing and i regret doing it. losing you brought me to a cold and barren wilderness and it took me a very long time to find my way again.

i had planned that if we ever got the chance to talk, a real conversation, i'd tell you about the dream i had on the night after we met. i remembered this only years later. in it, i lost you somehow but i never really remembered the reason.

i woke up crying but those tears were soon forgotten with all the love and care you showed. it was only after we parted that that memory came back. and i finally understood its meaning.

now we're on our own separate lives. this is all water under the bridge. and as you celebrate your 34th today, i genuinely wish you all the best. and i'm sorry it didn't turn out the way we planned it.


i'll always remember,
________

6 comments:

Eternal Wanderer... said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
orally said...

does it (still) troubles you?

from what i read he's the one who's hurting

Eternal Wanderer... said...

and a post that befits the inherent emoness of maria callas.

welcome back, la divina!

Alter said...

what a strong heart. admirable.

red the mod said...

Sometimes to remember is enough. To respect the memory, dignify the emotion, and nurture the ailing heart. Life is full of what-if's, things and situations we neither can re-do or reclaim. It reminds us, of our own humanity, so next time clarity would afford us better discretion.

We cannot amend the past, it is a thicket of wilderness before us, but we can prepare for the future, a verdant dreamy clearing.

karla said...

@O...this may sound incredible but as fate would have it, i met his pregnant, soon-to-be wife this evening!!! my ged. that explains it. but i still wonder at how fast the ether answered me back. i write down an entry and boom! i get a defining answer hours later. but then again, october has always been my fave month. two years ago almost to the day, i had one of my long forgotten prayers answered!

@ternie...hehehehe. salamat! with the meeting tonight, am actually at a loss at what to feel. be emo knowing that is that or be super glad that he's finally getting a child!

@aj...salamat. he actually invited me to a gig of a common friend. maybe then, i'll finally get the chance to say sorry. or maybe not.
i mean, this was years ago.

@red...i like that part about better discretion next time. with what happened tonight, i do get that feeling that the last thread was finally cut. and if we are going to reconnect, it would be something new. and am at peace with that. let it roll out one step at a time.