happy place

muntikan na akong tumambling at magpirouette sa saya nang makita ang tindahang ito sa nathan road. at japanese pa raw itetch so i therefore conclude bacolod: maingay!!nyahahahaha!!! =D

pre-departure

hotel - check

itinerary - check

the s.o. - sigh....wer u n?


one of the things i really like doing in airport lounges while waiting for my flight is to glimpse at gay couples who are on vacay.

even if they try to tone it down and pretend that they're just two dudes on holiday, my gaydar usually doesn't fail and a few more minutes of observation usually gives the "aha!" confirmation.

and then i'd wonder how it would look like when it's my turn with me esposo. pano kaya siya magrereact when i drag out my pink travel bag across the hall, with the boa feathers dangling? hehe.

but i guess that'll have to wait. for tomorrow's trip will find me again gazing in pre-departure, looking at lovebirds already in flight.

belated hapi vday. =)

`are you a fully realized woman?'

a scene from y tu mama tambien:

“luisa went to the doctor to get the results of some tests. at the waiting room, she did a magazine quiz titled `are you a fully realized woman?’

answering by multiple choice, she chose `B’ for question #1: prefers being awake rather than sleeping or dreaming. for #4, `C’: values time more highly than money or power.’ for #7, `A’: thinks more about the present than the past or the future.’

she scored 16 points.

the magazine defined her as a woman who is afraid to accept her freedom.

luisa did not agree.” source: subzin.com


that phrase “afraid to accept her freedom” piqued my interest when I first heard it in the film and it would sometimes pop up in my musings.

i mean, how could someone be like that? why would someone be afraid to accept his or her freedom?

but after plunging in this quasi-closeted journey, i began to realize that that phrase had a personal meaning for me. i just hope that someday, like luisa, i’ll have the conviction to disagree.

maybe

maybe it was the way his eyes spoke when they looked straight at you. that searing feeling that someone is seeing your soul naked, helpless at the onslaught of his unforgiving gaze.

i have never been good at introductions but those eyes, those eyes spoke as if they knew me.

a pilgrimage

saturday evening found me walking the old paths that lead to orosa-nakpil. we had just gone to a party in the suburbs when moi and friends decided to finally check out the new Bed.

it felt weird walking the streets of malate again. many of the joints we've gotten used to seeing were now gone. and my ged, there are now more girlie bars in adriatico. a few pechays even approached us. eeeeeeeeeeekkkk!!!!

all is not lost, i kept telling myself. at least o bar's still there---it was packed that night---and the word i got bout the new Bed was encouraging.

it just broke my heart that sonata's still closed. nasan na kaya sila janice, jepoi at yung cute niyang pinsan? wala na rin ang suki kong yosi vendor sa may labas. nakatapos na kaya yun ng course niya sa ama?

well, we finally made it to Bed and my first reaction was...anlinis and aren't those lights a bit too bright?

gone was the darkness that greeted you before and clothed you with anonymity when you stepped inside. heads actually turned when we got in. okeyyyy, i said to myself.

i guess the old Bed days are really gone...back then, you could be dancing on the packed ledge in front of the very small stage, look to your side, and see in the darkness someone on his knees. in worship.

and there was not that many people that evening although it was already past midnight. we quickly went upstairs and wow, remodeled na nga ang place. may cushioned seats (parang bridge ng starship enterprise or...for geriatrics like us, a friend joked) and then may third floor pa for the sunog bagas.

i've quit smoking (well, not if me amats) but i liked the yosi area. pwedeng tumambay out in the fresh air (ehem-ehem) and make kwento. may plants around, a bar, and cguro one could add a few sulos and it could feel like a beach party (pwedeng magbikini open!).

we went down again to the second floor pero di pa rin karamihan ang mga utaw. wa i pa ngang nagdadance sa first floor.

where are the gogo boys to get the people dancing? asked another friend. hindi pa lasheeng ang mga utash, i answered.

and they were also mostly of the upper strata (or they appeared to be...was actually thinking government ba to?) so, who again are you wearing?

the friendship wanted to ask one of the owners milling around, `what did you do to our church?!!

Bed used to mean--as james joyce said of the catholic church--`here comes everybody.' you go there and you'd see different meanings of the word gay. in the flesh. i guess the p500 entrance fee put an end to that.

as we milled around the place, we just wished Bed would succeed in its new incarnation. maybe the brighter lights and costlier entrance fee would mean that the pickpockets are gone.

i actually lost a brand new phone there once (a sony ericsson p900 to be precise...my ged, talagang that was lightyears ago) but that didn't stop me from going there again and again.

the old hole in the wall's charms were priceless. ella the tranny at the door; the confetti, bubbles, and bright lights that capped a club anthem's climax; the untrustworthy aircon system that had sweating bodies taking off their shirts (thank you!!!); and the packed space that made everyone look familiar as one went there more often.

i was looking for familiar faces last saturday night but didn't find that many.

as my friends tried to reminisce (again. what happened to the famous toilet with the aquarium?), i just tried to enjoy the new Bed and listened to the music.

honestly, the old Bed got me hooked through its music. before going there, I thought gay clubs only played diana ross, gloria gaynor or other 70s stuff until sunrise. boy, was i mistaken.

and the new Bed didn't disappoint. maybe it was the alcohol, but i was dancing as the dj worked it up just before we left. almost didn't want to leave.

by that time, there was already a line of people outside waiting to get in. tumatawag na ang kampana.

maybe, the magic's still there.

and the ether answers

funny. i write down a blog entry to unburden myself of a long-time regret, knowing that he'll never read it, and i get my answer hours later.

the universe, or the Big Man upstairs, does answer back your prayers.

and now we proceed. marami pong salamat! =)

amends

dear ____

i never really got to tell you goodbye. we'd see each other on the street nowadays, give the usual greeting, and then walk on with our lives.

i so wanted to ask more questions about how you're doing right now. if you still kept the mementos we had. if you still remember the fun we shared. maybe i.do.still.care.

but each time we see each other, i get the feeling that i'm talking to someone i've never met before. there's a distance about you that i dare not cross for i fear a torrent i might unleash.

sorry po. for not being there when you needed me the most. i still remember the time you came to the house after your accident. you asked for the TV schedule. i showed you the door.

let me just say that it was the most painful thing and i regret doing it. losing you brought me to a cold and barren wilderness and it took me a very long time to find my way again.

i had planned that if we ever got the chance to talk, a real conversation, i'd tell you about the dream i had on the night after we met. i remembered this only years later. in it, i lost you somehow but i never really remembered the reason.

i woke up crying but those tears were soon forgotten with all the love and care you showed. it was only after we parted that that memory came back. and i finally understood its meaning.

now we're on our own separate lives. this is all water under the bridge. and as you celebrate your 34th today, i genuinely wish you all the best. and i'm sorry it didn't turn out the way we planned it.


i'll always remember,
________