diggings

oh how many times must i bury you

the flowers they wilt

they die on the ground

the altars are bare

no god can be found

pisil

i went back to the office after going to the gym tuesday night to pick up some things i forgot. just as i entered our department, i ran into one of our big bosses.

"uy naggygym ka pa ba? he asked.

"ay yes sir. kagagaling ko nga lang," i replied.

sabay pisil niya sa biceps ko.

"an tigas ah," he said while holding a cup of coffee.

nacurious tuloy ako. bat naman tong bosyo kong to nagka interes sa gym?

"alam mo si (name of his son) nagygym na rin. lagi. ganyan na nga rin yung muscles niya," he said.

kaya pala.

under different circumstances, i would have taken this as an ordinary comment from a proud father--he's in his late 50s and with three kids, the son who is the panganay, and two daughters na kasunod.

but then i realized that there was a deeper meaning to what he was saying. as I tried to remember what his unico hijo looked like, i suddenly remembered that his son was gay.

utterly gay. as in walang duda. kung meron man parang pinagdududahan mo na rin kung sumisikat ba ang araw sa silangan.

i met the guy only twice at sa unang tingin pa lang, i already knew. pero cultured ang kanyang dating. not too loud. at successful na rin sa kanyang career.

kaya nga parang accepted na rin ni fadir. i could even say na this boss of mine who reeks of machismo---and is a gold card-carrying member of the old boys network in our field--is proud of his son.

habang nagkatinginan kami, hindi ko tuloy alam kung ano ang aking sasabihin. di namna pwedeng "uy tlaga. siguro umaalembong na si (name of his son) anoh? siguro mataas na ang kanyang market value?" my bad.

i bit my tongue. tried to smile. and quickly walked down the hallway.

memo to self: never again wear muscle shirts in the office.

a dining experience

my left hand was playing with a glass of red wine during a recent company dinner meeting when our boss--the matriarch of the firm---suddenly blurted out: "baklang-bakla pala si (a prominent married politician)."

that almost spilled my wine.

sure, the politician has long been rumored to be gay, but i wasn't expecting madame to wade into gossip territory, and of the gay kind, during our break.

worse, she said it while looking straight into my eyes--making eye contact for about two seconds--before disengaging and looking at the others.

"oh, it's not that i have anything against gays," she said, calming me a bit because i wasn't comfortable with the discussion.

and i guess she also had to make the disclaimer because, of the five men in the room, three--inlcuding moi---are closet cases (at least to us three. nyahahahaha).

"it's just that," she continued. "sila na pala ngayon ni (a very famous actor)."

HUWATTTTTT.

"oh...there's an item," i said, trying to sound not too excited to hear this latest tidbit.

i was trying to imagine what the two looked like in bed but the picture was not to my liking.

"eh paano na sila ni (actor and another actor who shall not be named)?" asked a female officemate.

madame answered: "eh sila na ang mag-on ni (actor and politician)."

i remember the (gay?) laughter around the room--there were more than a dozen of us present--and i shared in it. the boss does not usually share these tidbits with us but when she does, one can expect that they're A-1.

but then after the meeting, my thoughts turned serious about that small incident (it had turned out to be a very long night).

i was wondering what it's like for these two celebs--and they are celebs--to live in their closets? if we ordinary gay mortals find it so hard inside, what more these paparazzi magnets?

and manila is such a small place. the next thing you know, your sex life is dinner meeting fodder or the topic of water-cooler conversations.

i remember one client asking me once, out of the blue, about one of the two other closet cases present in that dinner meeting: "kailan ba siya maglaladlad? sabihin mo sa kanya ang tanda na niya hindi pa rin siya naglaladlad."

they eventually know.

dusk

i found myself walking along baywalk the other day just before sundown. i was there to catch the sunset but i got disappointed because there were no clouds.

clouds give out a more dramatic effect to sunsets. instead of just having a glowing red orb slowly disappearing into the sea, clouds can add drama by hiding the sun and slowly letting its rays come out. that i like.

but this time there were no clouds so i decided to pack up and leave for a scheduled dinner with friends. but after i put the cam inside my bag, i noticed the byutipul hues above me.

the sun had set but yep, the sky was still alight with calming colors. t'was dream time. those few precious minutes before the dark finally sets in and shrouds the last rays of the sun.

before i would usually take off immediately after sunset but this time i felt that something was in the air.. so i took out my cam and took some shots. here's one.

i don't know but there was something magical about those few minutes. it was like the air was pregnant with the so many possibilities that the night has to offer. and yet, there was also that relaxing feeling that a day had ended.

i lingered on and before i knew it I was already late for dinner. but my friends understood. the pics were worth it. =)

melts in your mouth, not in your...

tumawag ang tita ko mula sa tate nuong sabado upang kamustahin ang pinadala niyang balikbayan box na pangkrismas sana pero nung huwebes lang dumating.

habang nagkwekwento ito ang aking nasabi:

"ay maraming salamat auntie. yup. nakuha na namin. me spam, peanut butter, planters peanuts. yung bag ng chocolates? ay wala pero ok lang kasi maraming butterfingers. ang sarap nga ng cadburys, m2m.... at...at...at....."

bigla akong natigilan nang marealize ko ang lumabas sa aking bibig.

"ay auntie dapat makabisita ka ulit dito kasi namumunga na yung indian manggo sa labas. ang sarap paghinalo sa...blah...blah...blahh."

hindi rin nakasagot si auntie kagaad kaya ako na lang ang nagkwento ng nagkwento habang hoping na sana wala sa vocabulary ng mga fil-ams ang m2m.

i'll be turning 32 this year but i haven't come out to my relatives. pero smart naman sila kaya am sure they know, particularly my auntie, na ilang beses na akong nirereto sa iba't-ibang babae to no avail.

pero hindi ko lang talaga binalak na sa ganitong paraan ako maglaladlad sa kanya. hehe.

let the mourners come

W. H. Auden


Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

reminder

please carefully go through his grammar. you might find many red flags there. actually.