nostalgia

i hate it when i'm nostalgic....it's one of the things i should unlearn...but sometimes u just can't help yourself but....

a pex post on nov. 10, 2006:

u know I can't thank u enough for all the things u've done for me all these years. u made me so happy. that is why it gives me little comfort to admit that things have to change. we both have outgrown each other, I guess. it's time to move on.

i'll always treasure the memries....those first moments out of the closet, malate, how i learned to love mocha frap with hazelnut syrup, puccini's nessun dorma, greenbelt on sundays, bed...priceless. :D

DARN IT. how i wish those times didn't end. :)
   

.........

i want to go home. the situation in the office has become clearer somewhat and i have a nasty feeling that i won't like my stay there in the coming months. it might not be hell but i think my drive would just ebb away as the months pass by. not good.

if i had known about this a month ago, i would have definitely gone back to manila pronto. cripes. i might have made the wrong decision. 

lines from horace

i found these lines back when i was in college while reading old issues of the ny times review of books at the up main lib. they struck me then and they still remain meaningful to me now. horace wrote them in 13 BCE.

tell me my ligurinus

why do these reluctant flowing tears

surprise these dry cheeks

and my fluent tongue stumble

in unbecoming silences

among syllables

in dreams at night i hold you in my arms

or toil behind your flight across the martian field

or chase through yielding waves

the boy who will not yield

a fork in the road

"i guess we'll never make it to rio now."

"it's your fault. you were always the spoiled only son who expected everything handed to you on a silver platter."

(silence)

"then i guess this is it. this is where the story ends."

"it never even started."

THE ROAD NOT TAKEN

by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

second thoughts

i'm having second thoughts about going back to manila. i don't know. it's just that i'm no longer that excited about going back to my old job. and the dollar is appreciating plus prices in manila are shooting through the roof. my gulay.

i've always wanted to go back since i left manila dec 2006 for hong kong. but since my mom got sick and i had to pay the bills, i bit my lip and stayed here. after mama died last april, i couldn't wait to go back to my old job.

that pay there is, like, three times smaller than what i get now but at least am proud of that job. to be honest, i'm pretty reluctant to answer whenever somebody asks me where i work today. i'm somewaht ashamed of it. i don't know but it doesn't really feel right although it's not even stressfull. far from it. on the other hand, that's another point I want to stress. i don't feel challenged. i'm losing my mojo because it's like i'm just on vacation.

and also, i feel that i really haven't reached that point when i could say that i've mastered the job i had in manila. they say you get that only after 10 years of staying in a job. i left after seven. i feel that there's still an unfinished chapter in that narrative.

but now, after i bought a nikon d80, i'm actually entertaining thoughts about staying put in hong kong. this thought gets stronger whenever i hear stories of how hard life is back in the philippines and how many people are trying to get out of the country to find work.

am i stupid to actually want to go back?

mental

bakit nga ba ang hirap magsabi ng totoo? ang tagal na rin natin, siguro naman alam mo na why i keep sticking up with you. pero kelangan pang sabihin. alam ko yun.

but then, nasanay na rin siguro ako with all your schemes and bloody mind games. i think nasabi ko na sayo dati na kulang na lang naging tayo. but if i remember correctly (yes, i was drunk again that time. as usual, para i can deny everything the morning after), you told me then "why, do you think i'm dat easy to get?"

sheesh. pareho nga tayong maarte. i was actually hopeful when you said recently na you were tired fornicating. hehehe. sa wakas, i thought. finally you were over that phase and was ready to settle down.

asa pa. i forgot you were mrs. energizer bunny long before i met you. and you have other men. that i realize. pwero masaya naman ako at you showed so much concern when i dipped below the radar recently (heheheh. gotcha there). naiinis na nga si M kung bakit hindi pa raw tau nag-aaminan.

is it because the first one who admits loses? hay, these games we play. but let me tell you i'm so glad to have met you. for sticking up through all my drama and fuck-ups. baka nga dat's what keeps us from admitting. ayaw din nating maging domesticated. why lose all the kicks we get from torturing each other?

and yet to be so near and never really touching. to feel both the rough and tender edges of our souls and yet never really knowing each other for sure. you're one heck of a hellride. but yeah, i love you. and i'll love you still, even though sometimes i forget.

feel ko lang

by nina simone

The other woman finds time to manicure her nails
The other woman is perfect where her rival fails
And shes never seen with pin curls in her hair

The other woman enchantes her clothes with french perfume
The other woman keeps fresh cut flowers in each room
There are never toys thats scattered everywhere

And when her baby comes to call
Hell find her waiting like a lonesome queen
Cos when shes by his side
Its such a change from old routine

But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep
The other woman will never have his love to keep
And as the years go by the other woman
Will spend her life alone