ice castles

isa siya sa mga binabalikbalikan ko sa manila. ang lalaki na kahit ilang ulit ko nang sinabihan ng "i love you," at naging biktima na ng aking mga mahahalay na kamay, ay hindi pa rin lumalayo.

kaibigan daw kasi...cute, kamukha ni bamboo, at stud muffin ang tawag ng aking mga kasama na nakakita na sa kanya. sabi nga lang nila bulag daw ako. bet kasi nilang verde rin ang dugo niya.

ako naman kebs. alam ko kasing straight siya (yez, deep in the kaibuturan ng aking self, feel ko yun). i know. at masaya naman ako (ok, may konting pagseselos) na sa wakas ay ikakakasal na siya.

kasi sa dinami-dami ng kanyang mga naging gelfren (two and even three timer kasi dati si wapo, not counting us. choz!), sa wakas nakahanap na rin siya ng gusto ko.

i mean, yung sa tingin ko ay pepwedeng ipalit sa akin sa harap ng altar (hikbi). hate ko kasi yung mga dating gels niya dahil (no offense ah) sa tingin ko ang papanget nilang lahat (yung tipong pagtinanong sa'yo kung "maganda ba?" ang isasagot mo ay "yeah, she's nice.")

pero itong huli, maloka-loka akesh dahil hawig ni lucy torres ang fota.  super hinhin, maputi, maganda, pero nagdradrag racing. as in join siya sa mga karung humaharurot dati sa white plains.

kaya feeling ko wala na akong mailalaban pa ate charo. tuloy, ako na rin mismo ang nahihiya. at lumalayo. sabi kasi ni bestfren, medyo pinnagseselosan daw akesh. naging medyo madalang na nga kaming lumabas simula nang naging sila (from every week to once or twice every other month na lang) dahil ayaw ng bilat na magkasama kami ng kanyang mapapangasawa (hikbi ulet).

pero honestly, wala na sa akin yun (and i can say that with a straight face, ngayon). natuyo na ang datiy mga rumaragasang ilog na nabuo ng aking mga walang patid na luha (choz!).

what is past is past ika nga. tinuldukan ko na ang chapter na itu ng aking pagdadalaga (tanggap ko na rin na hindi na magkakatotoo yung pangarap dati ni bestfren na titira lang kami sa isang compound, he with his family in one apartment at akesh naman....)

pero, ngayong babalik na ako sa manila....papaano na kaya? sabi ni bestfren, pwede kaming lumabas pagsabado dahil may trabaho si lucita...lalabas kami ng hindi niya alam...ako naman, sige, masaya rin naman kasi akesh pag kasama si....

pero may agam-agam din si ako, lalo na feeling ko yung mga kinakanta ni bestfren ay may mga pahiwatig (tulad ng cover niya ng "somewhere down the road." hindi lang kasi yun). at lagi siyang nagkru-krus kapag kasama akesh (anovah!), lalo na kapag ihahatid na niya ako pauwi sa kanyang karu, (feeling niya siguro baka may mangyare!) jusko.

ayaw ko yatang maging the other woman...i have my principles (anu daw?). i know marami sa mga vekvek ang gusto ay mga daddy-daddy, pero tingin ko kase paghumantong sa ganuong situwayshen, maininlove ulet akesh sa kanya. aasa. at sa huli ay....

....naaalala ko nung high school pa kami....kinakantahan niya ako nun sa telepono nung theme song ng pelikulang ice castles, yung "looking through the eyes of love" (yes bakla, hindi ako nagbibiro).....hanggang sa matunaw ang mga ice castles at dumanak ang aking mga luha......

marami ng nasawi sa mga baha sa pilipinas ate charo, ayoko ng makadagdag pa. sabi niya nuon, gusto daw niya akong maging bestman sa kanyang kasal (o kung pwede pa nga raw bestgay eh). pero sa tingin ko ngayenz hindi na yun mangyayari. at hindi iyon dahil magsusuot ako ng gown na yellow (sign daw ito ng jealousy) sa araw ng kanilang pag-iisang dibdib.

tanggap ko na, hanggang ice castles lang ako....but....but please, don't let this feeling...

patila muna tayo ng ulan

sa isang mesa, dalawang magshotang lesbiana na nagbubulungan. sa kabila naman, isang grupo ng mga bading na nahahalakhakan.

"patila muna tayo ng ulan."

"sige, kakanta muna ako."

"sige, kumanta ka."


We had the right love
At the wrong time
Guess I always knew inside
I wouldn't have you for a long time

Those dreams of yours
Are shining on distant shores
And if they're calling you away
I have no right to make you stay

But somewhere down the road
Our roads are gonna cross again
It doesn't really matter when
But somewhere down the road
I know that heart of yours
Will come to see
That you belong with me....


"kailan ka nga uli ikakasal?"

disappointment

some people let me down today. people i trusted, which is all the more painful. it's a bit funny coz growing up, i learned early on to rely on myself. that's why it surprises me to discover sometimes that, i guess, i haven't really learned that lesson quite well. still.

i'm not the kind of guy who has much guile and uses people. i'm pretty transparent. but sometimes i wonder if it wouldn't hurt if i let the scheming bitch in me get heard. people don't respect you if you're the happy, smiling guy, who's all too accomodating. this year, i promise this is going to change. nyahahhahaa.  

ay.....

"It's important to remember that you can never regain something you left in the past. Shift your focus to the present and deal with the state of things as they are, instead of clinging to some memory of what you once had.

Memories may be nice...but that's all they are..."


natigilan ako run a........

and so it begins....

i couldn't wipe the silly grin off my face.

i was walking home after finishing work at the office this morning, and relishing the first few moments of my 30th birthday, when i couldn't stop grinning. boy, i must be really losing it. hehehehe.

the last time i felt like this was some years back when a friend from UP had some funny-tasting brownies i devoured with gusto. hay, that was a good trip. a very good trip. i was on a jeep from sm north to quiapo when i came to my senses in front of sto. domingo because a man was looking at me strangely. it was then that i realized i had been grinning all the way from sm north! hehehe.

oh well, i guess the pieces are finally falling into place. i sincerely thank God for the past 30 years of my getting lost along the byways of this world. well, not exactly. i really didn't get lost, because of Him. Thank you so much Papa Lordie (si bf ah, wag kalimutan).

There is so much to do and so little time, but meanwhile...the the beach beckons! :D

for good

i've decided to go back to manila. after my mom died last month, i got to thinking about what to do with my life, and it's pointing me home.

my officemates say i should stay put and go after the opportunities hong kong offers. when i told a senior officemate of my plan to go back to manila, she pointedly asked "so, ayaw mo na sa hong kong?" er, not really.

i like it here. somehow. i like the efficient public transpo system. that it doesn't take a major production to go to the beach. the shopping. that cosmopolitan feel.

however, my friends are in manila. and gimmicks here are so, well, expensive. i've contacted my old employers and happily, they're willing to take me back, even though i said i might return only later in the year, maybe in august. am i making the right choice? er, i don't know.

yes, there's that voice teasing me that i'm just going back to my old "comfort zone." it tells me i'll miss much if i go back; that i will regret later my departure from hk. it asks me "why not take a leap and see where you land? see the world and not be stuck in a backwater (konsensya, ikaw ba yan?)."

much as I would like to take that leap (i do love surprises), the pull of manila is stronger. and who says i can't build my future there? the salary is not that big but i'll be financially secure (i think, based on my calculations), i'll have a career that i can be proud of, and i can still travel abroad (when you get that much-coveted junket).

and it will give me time to think about what i really want to do with my life. (at 30, and you still don't know?! [konsensya, ikaw nga!]) yes, i feel i need to regroup, take stock, and prepare for my next endeavor. i told a friend i might go abroad again, but maybe in 10 years time. he said he won't be here in hk by then.

oh well. maybe manila is where i really belong, and i don't mean that as a consolation. i do have that feeling of so many possibilities beckoning, of being at the cusp of what is to come, of finally being able to do what i want.

and who knows what surprises await after i go back for good? i haven't even started talking about the boys. hehehe.
  

hate

is quite a strong word. but that's what i feel right now. bitter ba? bitter nga. i just erased someone from the past. i hate it that he's not here for me when i'm at my lowest. tears are running down now. can't take it anymore. must stop....