postscript

"tama na yung minsan ay naging tayo..."

muntikan akong maiyak sa jeep kanina nang makita kong ginuguhit ng isang dalaga sa kanyang cellphone ang mga katagang ito.

sa lahat ba naman ng araw, ngayon pa ako makakasilip ng text message na bagay na bagay para sayo.

isang taon, apat na buwan, at 15 araw. hindi ko inaasahang ganito ang ating kahihinatnan. nabulag mo nga ako sa iyong mga pangako. at ang nakadagdag pa ay kaibigan ko pa ang susulot sayo.

hindi ko alam kung tatawa ba ako ng malakas o iiyak nang makumpirma ang mga pinaggagawa mo. tumungga na lamang ako ng alak at pilit na lumimot sa gitna nga delubyo.

paalam.

why do i...

the soft sound of your breathing as you sleep between my sheets

your cat-like indifference as i trace with my fingers the valleys and peaks of your embrace

that unguarded honesty that you fumble with when you try to hide those little white lies i see

and those eyes, those eyes that lighten up and reveal the man i love when you smile


these are the reasons why....


and yes, also the way you deftly handled it when my cousin caught you half naked, sprawled on the sofa one sunday afternoon and realized na nagdadala ako ng lalaki sa bahay.

i'm free. =)

annivs

mag iisang taon na pala tayo. mag iisang taon na akong nalulunod sa yo. parang kelan lang...pero umabot din. sa wakas, nakayapak na muli sa lupa.

kapag naiisip kita minsan, may pakiramdam pa rin ako na, hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin kita kilala.

siguro nga mas mabuti yun. para di magkasawaan. siguro napansin mo na ring madali akong magsawa.

gusto ko sanang yakapin ka ng husto. gusto kong punuin ng mga tala ang kawalan, gaya ng iyong nasabi.

if only you would let me.

bliss

neptune's in his depths
to let go and dream awake
a drowning so sweet

movie line

"do you know why billy left lola? because the woman he married was no longer the man he fell in love with."---lola und bilidikid.

changi

have a happy life.

nabigla ako nang sabihin niya ang mga salitang ito ng nakayuko at may konting poot sa kanyang boses.

i’ve written in these pages that the men of my dreams usually show up in my narrative when a chapter is about to close. pero kaiba siya. dumating siya 15 minutes before take off.

i was having my feet massaged by this machine sa changi aiport nang una ko siyang masilayan. something about those mesmerizing eyes of his caught my attention while he was walking down the hallway.

puti siya. may hitsura. and for a few seconds, our eyes met and would not let go.

pero kailangan kong bumitaw dahil kasama ko ang mga straight na kaopisina na nagpapamasahe rin. five minutes later, bumalik si wafu. umalis na ang aking kaupisina at pamasok na sa departure area.

napatigil siya malapit duon sa massage machine na aking kinauupuan at nagtagpo ulit ang aming paningin. bata pa siya. mga early 20s siguro.

lumapit siya at umupo sa aking tabi sabay labas ng tsokolate at nagsabing: “want some?”

hindi talaga ako magaling sa introductions.

“oh. no, thanks,” sabi ko sabay ngiti. Uuuuggggghhhhh.

“how do you turn this on?”

ako naman pinakita sa kanya at pinindot ang mga dapat pindutin.

pranses pala siya at nag-aaral sa singapore. papunta siya ng beijing para magbakasyon. connecting flight through manila…konting kwento-kwento pa…

“isn’t it cold now in beijing?” tanong ko.

“yeah, but that’s ok…i hope they also have these machines in manila,” sabi niya.

“i don’t think so,” sabi ko sabay tingin sa mga kasama kong nag aayos na ng gamit sa loob ng departure area para pumask na sa eroplano.

“there’s still much time…,” sabi niya.

pero tumigil na ang makina sa aking mga paa at kaunti na rin ang nakapila sa xray at metal detectors papasok ng departure area. sa loob, naghihintay na rin ang iba kong kasama.

“i have to go,” sabi ko sabay ngiti, tayo at dampot sa aking carry-on bag.

at duon nabanggit niya ang mga salitang: “have a happy life.”

napalingon ako sa kanya dahil may poot akong naalinigan sa kanyang boses. at sabihan ka ba nman ng ganun. pero pagtingin ko ay nakayuko na siya. dumeresto ako sa pila papasok sa departure area.

later on, pumasok din siya at nakita kong may naghihintay din sa kanya sa loob. blondie na pechay.

hindi na muli nagtagpo an aming mga tingin.

love ko 'to!

sa jakarta, ang mcdo laging nakaBUKA 24/7. napansin to ng kasama ko sa opisina. obviously, birds of the same feather, have their laugh trip together. =D

hagikhikan kami ng hagikhikan sa sasakyan lalo na nang mapansin pa ang salitang "jam" (na ang ibig sabihin yata sa bahasa ay oras). "hmmmm," sabi ni officemate, "may nakabuka na nga, nagjam pa! sounds familiar!"

obviously, we're green minded. =D

happy place

muntikan na akong tumambling at magpirouette sa saya nang makita ang tindahang ito sa nathan road. at japanese pa raw itetch so i therefore conclude bacolod: maingay!!nyahahahaha!!! =D

pre-departure

hotel - check

itinerary - check

the s.o. - sigh....wer u n?


one of the things i really like doing in airport lounges while waiting for my flight is to glimpse at gay couples who are on vacay.

even if they try to tone it down and pretend that they're just two dudes on holiday, my gaydar usually doesn't fail and a few more minutes of observation usually gives the "aha!" confirmation.

and then i'd wonder how it would look like when it's my turn with me esposo. pano kaya siya magrereact when i drag out my pink travel bag across the hall, with the boa feathers dangling? hehe.

but i guess that'll have to wait. for tomorrow's trip will find me again gazing in pre-departure, looking at lovebirds already in flight.

belated hapi vday. =)

`are you a fully realized woman?'

a scene from y tu mama tambien:

“luisa went to the doctor to get the results of some tests. at the waiting room, she did a magazine quiz titled `are you a fully realized woman?’

answering by multiple choice, she chose `B’ for question #1: prefers being awake rather than sleeping or dreaming. for #4, `C’: values time more highly than money or power.’ for #7, `A’: thinks more about the present than the past or the future.’

she scored 16 points.

the magazine defined her as a woman who is afraid to accept her freedom.

luisa did not agree.” source: subzin.com


that phrase “afraid to accept her freedom” piqued my interest when I first heard it in the film and it would sometimes pop up in my musings.

i mean, how could someone be like that? why would someone be afraid to accept his or her freedom?

but after plunging in this quasi-closeted journey, i began to realize that that phrase had a personal meaning for me. i just hope that someday, like luisa, i’ll have the conviction to disagree.

maybe

maybe it was the way his eyes spoke when they looked straight at you. that searing feeling that someone is seeing your soul naked, helpless at the onslaught of his unforgiving gaze.

i have never been good at introductions but those eyes, those eyes spoke as if they knew me.

a pilgrimage

saturday evening found me walking the old paths that lead to orosa-nakpil. we had just gone to a party in the suburbs when moi and friends decided to finally check out the new Bed.

it felt weird walking the streets of malate again. many of the joints we've gotten used to seeing were now gone. and my ged, there are now more girlie bars in adriatico. a few pechays even approached us. eeeeeeeeeeekkkk!!!!

all is not lost, i kept telling myself. at least o bar's still there---it was packed that night---and the word i got bout the new Bed was encouraging.

it just broke my heart that sonata's still closed. nasan na kaya sila janice, jepoi at yung cute niyang pinsan? wala na rin ang suki kong yosi vendor sa may labas. nakatapos na kaya yun ng course niya sa ama?

well, we finally made it to Bed and my first reaction was...anlinis and aren't those lights a bit too bright?

gone was the darkness that greeted you before and clothed you with anonymity when you stepped inside. heads actually turned when we got in. okeyyyy, i said to myself.

i guess the old Bed days are really gone...back then, you could be dancing on the packed ledge in front of the very small stage, look to your side, and see in the darkness someone on his knees. in worship.

and there was not that many people that evening although it was already past midnight. we quickly went upstairs and wow, remodeled na nga ang place. may cushioned seats (parang bridge ng starship enterprise or...for geriatrics like us, a friend joked) and then may third floor pa for the sunog bagas.

i've quit smoking (well, not if me amats) but i liked the yosi area. pwedeng tumambay out in the fresh air (ehem-ehem) and make kwento. may plants around, a bar, and cguro one could add a few sulos and it could feel like a beach party (pwedeng magbikini open!).

we went down again to the second floor pero di pa rin karamihan ang mga utaw. wa i pa ngang nagdadance sa first floor.

where are the gogo boys to get the people dancing? asked another friend. hindi pa lasheeng ang mga utash, i answered.

and they were also mostly of the upper strata (or they appeared to be...was actually thinking government ba to?) so, who again are you wearing?

the friendship wanted to ask one of the owners milling around, `what did you do to our church?!!

Bed used to mean--as james joyce said of the catholic church--`here comes everybody.' you go there and you'd see different meanings of the word gay. in the flesh. i guess the p500 entrance fee put an end to that.

as we milled around the place, we just wished Bed would succeed in its new incarnation. maybe the brighter lights and costlier entrance fee would mean that the pickpockets are gone.

i actually lost a brand new phone there once (a sony ericsson p900 to be precise...my ged, talagang that was lightyears ago) but that didn't stop me from going there again and again.

the old hole in the wall's charms were priceless. ella the tranny at the door; the confetti, bubbles, and bright lights that capped a club anthem's climax; the untrustworthy aircon system that had sweating bodies taking off their shirts (thank you!!!); and the packed space that made everyone look familiar as one went there more often.

i was looking for familiar faces last saturday night but didn't find that many.

as my friends tried to reminisce (again. what happened to the famous toilet with the aquarium?), i just tried to enjoy the new Bed and listened to the music.

honestly, the old Bed got me hooked through its music. before going there, I thought gay clubs only played diana ross, gloria gaynor or other 70s stuff until sunrise. boy, was i mistaken.

and the new Bed didn't disappoint. maybe it was the alcohol, but i was dancing as the dj worked it up just before we left. almost didn't want to leave.

by that time, there was already a line of people outside waiting to get in. tumatawag na ang kampana.

maybe, the magic's still there.

and the ether answers

funny. i write down a blog entry to unburden myself of a long-time regret, knowing that he'll never read it, and i get my answer hours later.

the universe, or the Big Man upstairs, does answer back your prayers.

and now we proceed. marami pong salamat! =)

amends

dear ____

i never really got to tell you goodbye. we'd see each other on the street nowadays, give the usual greeting, and then walk on with our lives.

i so wanted to ask more questions about how you're doing right now. if you still kept the mementos we had. if you still remember the fun we shared. maybe i.do.still.care.

but each time we see each other, i get the feeling that i'm talking to someone i've never met before. there's a distance about you that i dare not cross for i fear a torrent i might unleash.

sorry po. for not being there when you needed me the most. i still remember the time you came to the house after your accident. you asked for the TV schedule. i showed you the door.

let me just say that it was the most painful thing and i regret doing it. losing you brought me to a cold and barren wilderness and it took me a very long time to find my way again.

i had planned that if we ever got the chance to talk, a real conversation, i'd tell you about the dream i had on the night after we met. i remembered this only years later. in it, i lost you somehow but i never really remembered the reason.

i woke up crying but those tears were soon forgotten with all the love and care you showed. it was only after we parted that that memory came back. and i finally understood its meaning.

now we're on our own separate lives. this is all water under the bridge. and as you celebrate your 34th today, i genuinely wish you all the best. and i'm sorry it didn't turn out the way we planned it.


i'll always remember,
________

what did ya say?

while doing acrobatics in bed....

moi: oh god! oh god!! oh god!!!

him: could you please stop saying that!

moi: er, i didn't know you were religious?

this reminded me of this girl character in a tv sitcom who said she shouted out saints' names whenever she Oed. hehehe.

requiem

moi: always singapore. :(

faghag: si longhair na naman b yan?

moi: someone else. another one who got away. =(

fagh: ohhhh. hugs dear. =(

fagh: at sinetch itetch? like i said before,when you've taken care of business here, pwede ka nang lumipad there.

moi: naman. para every morning magkasabay kaming tatlo sa train on our way to work. ansaya non.

fagh: gagah

moi: strike two na to ateh. one day madedeclare na talaga ako ng war sa country na yan!

fagh: go ahead

moi: it's not often you feel like telling a country: "inagaw mo ng lahat sa akin!!!"

fagh: tseh!


as i write these lines, there is again that melancholia similar to what i felt years ago when i noticed a pattern that i think keeps on repeating itself in my narrative: that the best parts are always before endings.

the happiest times for me, they always tend to crop up when a chapter is about to close. like, meeting a man of my dreams when the both of us are about to take different paths.

you share your moments together, knowing fully well it's not going to last, and afterwards all you have left is a distant memory of what was there.

sana next time hindi na ganun.

burat...

yes, despite the name and the imagery, they do sell hard, wooden...clogs.

i actually checked. ok, i admit. i was hoping for something else (extra-service? =D) pero wa eh. Lol!

this was on a recent trip to hanoi. am curious about the owner. pinoy kaya itetch? hehehe.

cguro sa hanoi siya nagbukas (totyal!) dahil hindi makakalusot yang name na yan sa barangay dito sa pinas.

i remember someone trying to open a bar named nota republic some years ago. parang sabi dun sa registry: "lawyer ka ba?" ahahahaha. +D

malate nostalgia

storyboard's over
no more midnight sonatas
we walk aimlessly

hauntings

(this was my answer to victor's query bout my last post. it grew too long so i turned it into a new post instead. thanks victor.)


Q:And have you figured out the mystery yet?

A: hehe. i'd rather let sleeping dogs lie. let's just say i've already made my peace with that chapter of my narrative. hehe.

but the question did give me a different interpretation of things...why he's not yet married at 34, why his friends keep on teasing him and his guy bff, why the straight porn cd he lent me was about guys cumming.

why one night, as he was again cleaning his car, he was wearing this faded and very worn out violet shorts. and no underwear.

he was asking me how my day was while his right hand kept on playing with the few strands of stray hair beneath his navel. nay ko po.

yep, the fling's question did momentarily give me a vision of what life would have been like if...but would i dare open up again that chapter which has cost me so much?

ang umasa pa muli? i don't think so.

sorry for this long, emo reply. you probably weren't expecting this. but the fling's question touched a raw nerve.

they say first loves never die. but they do. it's just that sometimes they haunt you from the grave (oops there i go again hehe).

a fling's question

it was one in the morning and i was picking up the bottles from our inuman when he had to ask this question: "are you two close?"

my guest was asking bout an old friend who was then outside their house at that ungodly hour, cleaning his car.

guest: "is he...?"

me: "what?"

guest: "you know..."

me: "nuh-uh...he's straight."

"funny," my guest said as he looked outside for the longest time. "he gave me that look when i arrived...you know how that goes...."

i couldn't say a thing for a few seconds. he sounded serious about it. it wasn't some joke coming from someone who had too much alcohol.

"oh well..." he said as he turned to face me again while his right hand wandered to his crotch, pulled down his fly, and....

later that morning after my guest had gone, and my mind became clearer as the last traces of alcohol were flushed away, his words began to sink in.

and then they kept on ringing in my ear: "he gave me that look when i arrived...you know how that goes...."

i could feel my chest tightening. tears suddenly started welling up my eyes. i wanted to throw up.